I don’t have any luck with women

Dear Pastor,

I am a 43 year old man, but I don't have any luck with women. I have two children with two different women. I tried to support my children; now they are grown up. I used to go on farmwork and I sent money for the mothers of my children. I promised one of the mothers that I would settle down with her. She is older than me.

When I got home from farmwork, I found out that she was cheating on me and the man she was cheating on me with is a distant cousin of mine. Before asking her anything, I confronted him and I told him what I heard. He denied it, but he said they are good friends and whatever she wanted, she would call him and he would take it to her.

He has a truck and people told me that the truck was parked at my gate most nights. I asked the children when last they saw my cousin. That's all I asked them and they said he was always at the house. I was very angry and I told my cousin some things that I should not have said and he took them as a threat.

One day I went to work and when I got home, she was gone. She didn't take anything from the house, so I tried to find her. I contacted her and told her to come home. She said she wasn't going to come unless I went for her. So I went to see her and we talked it over and she agreed to come back. I told her that I was not going to leave her. She packed a bag and she said she would leave the children and I agreed.

SHE CHANGED

She was with me for about three weeks, but I could see that she had changed. She never used to have a password on her phone, but she put one on. And whenever anyone called her, she would go one side and talk in a low tone of voice. I asked her why she had to do that and she said it was because I am jealous.

Well, again when I was gone to work, she moved out, but this time she took lots of things from the house. I decided that I would leave her alone because I could see that she was giving me 'bun'.

I got involved with another woman. She had five children. She, too, is an older woman. She wanted to bring all the children. I told her that I could not allow her to bring so many of them; one of the daughters had a child also. I told her that the children could spend time with us, but they couldn't live here. She told me that I couldn't love her and don't love her children.

This woman is a really a good cook and I like my food, but I could not handle her children. We could not get along well because of the children, so we parted, but we have remained good friends.

Now, I have another woman. She is 29 and we are getting along, but she can't cook as well as the other lady. She wants to have everything easy. I don't have a washing machine, but that was one of the first thing she asked me about when she started to sleep at my house. I told her to wash a few things for me and she asked me how. I didn't know it was washing machine she was talking about. If I don't quarrel, she doesn't tidy the bathroom and the dishes are piled up in the kitchen.

Sometimes I feel like telling her to get out, but I put money down and she doesn't take any. So, she is an honest girl. What advice can you give to me? She is asking me to send her back to school. I have my own house, so she is comfortable. But, she is not domesticated.

P.K.

Dear P.K.,

You are only in your 40s and you are fortunate to have your own house. You have been making wrong choices. Evidently, you love older women and nothing is wrong with that. But, these women see that something is lacking in your life. They see you as a man who does not run your house and you are not very firm with them.

Women love men who mean what they say and say what they mean. They don't necessary love rough men or men who are bullies. But, they love men who are always in control.

And, although I am not sure, it seems to me that you have allowed these women to walk all over you. For example, this woman who had an affair with your distant cousin was very disrespectful. She should have known that people would tell you that he was always there and that she allowed him to come there often and leave his vehicle parked at your gate. She was disrespectful and she didn't care whether or not you heard about it.

NO COMMON SENSE

The woman with the five children acted as if she did not have any common sense. She should not have believed that you could allow her to bring her five children to live at your house with her. She acted as if she was crazy. But, she is gone, so we need not spend time talking about her.

The present situation in which you have found yourself with this younger woman is that she is not coming from a home where she was taught to keep the house tidy.

You have had problems with these women and right now, you are not sure how the relationship will go with this present woman.

What you probably should do is to make an appointment with a family counsellor for both of you to meet and have sessions with him/her.

Pastor