Sideman wants to make me his wife

Dear Pastor,

I am a 33-year-old female, and I would like your advice. I have been friendly with a man for the past 10 years and we have a son together.

He promised me many times that he would marry me, but we have never set a date. Every time I look at the situation, I tell him that it is better for us to part.

He throws it back at me and tells me that I want to end the relationship with him because I am seeing another man.

To tell you the truth, it is only recently that I started to look at another man.

My birthday was coming up and I told my son's father that I would love to go out for that weekend and he said he didn't have any money to take me out.

I told him that he should find the money and take me to spend the weekend somewhere.

He told me that I am working, so I could use my money and go out because he had none.

I was so hurt. I called one of the guys who is always after me and told him that my birthday was coming up and I wanted to go somewhere.

He said that would be no problem for him, I should just state where I wanted to go. I asked him what about his child's mother.

He said he would handle that. I didn't feel any way about going out or cheating.

This guy planned a weekend on the north coast and I disappeared with him. I left my son with my mother and one of my girlfriends kept my car at her house.

I turned off my cell phone, and I went from the Friday to the Sunday night.

When I saw my man during the week, he tried to ask me where I was and I told him it was none of his business.

Would you believe that he had the courage to complain to my mother?

BIG WOMAN

My mother told him that I am a big woman and she couldn't tell me what to do and that something must be wrong if I just went out like that.

Now he is telling me that he can't trust me and he was planning to marry me. I told him to marry one of the girls he has because I know he has always kept other women with me.

The problem I am having now is that this guy that I spent the weekend with, wants to make our relationship permanent. That is not what I intended to happen.

My son gets along well with his father. I cannot accuse him of not supporting him.

I don't know what to do. I don't see my child's father and I getting back together, and I don't care. I hope you would not condemn me.

N.F.

Dear N.F.,

This man has not acted as if he was serious about the relationship.

He has been taking you for granted and now you believe that you have been wasting time.

It is unfortunate that out of frustration, you cheated on him.

The dilemma you face is that the guy you spent the weekend with enjoyed the time so much that he wants to be with you permanently.

You are worried because you think that it is unfair to his child's mother.

But, perhaps in your heart, you believe that the love that you have for this new guy can grow.

Please excuse me, I said 'love', but you did not say you love him.

Your child's father is very hurt because he did not expect you to go out for a weekend and not inform him where you were going and with whom. You have shocked him and that is why he had declared that he would never trust you again.

The question is, however, will this man that you went out with trust you? He knows that you cheated on your child's father.

Would he not consider that you may cheat on him too if both of you decided to go steady?

I cannot encourage you to tell your child's father where you went and with whom because if you do, he may do something to physically hurt you.

But, if you believe that it is time for you to move on, tell him so, but please do not establish a permanent relationship with the other guy while giving the impression to your child's father that both of you can still have an intimate relationship.

Pastor