Marrying this man was a big mistake

Dear Pastor,

I read your column every chance I get. I am 25 years old. I got married when I was 21 years old. I became pregnant. I grew up in a Christian home, so my parents insisted that I had to get married because they did not want me to bring a bastard child into their home.

I was a very unlucky girl because the very first time I had sex with my boyfriend, he got me pregnant. When I think about it, I did not enjoy the sex because it was very hot. I was a virgin. My husband is nine years older than I am, and he didn't do anything to protect me. It was very hard on me. We had a very small wedding. Only my parents attended, along with two witnesses.

My parents made it known to everyone that I had got married, and I showed off my ring. But I was not happy. I did not go to live with my husband. I did not want him to touch me after I realised that I was pregnant. It took me a long time to forgive him. I only wore the ring to show the people in my district and at church that I was married. They didn't know it was only a show.

After I had the baby, I tried to love my husband, but I kept remembering that I was not ready for a child. I wanted to go to college. He said he had no money. My parents suggested that I take out student loan, and I was successful. Every time I came home, all my husband wanted from me was sex. He did not give me a pin to go to university. I kept telling my parents that I had made a mistake by marrying him.

I used to love a guy while I was in high school. We never had sex. When he heard I was pregnant, he contacted me, and I explained myself to him. He told me that he still loves me. He lives in the States now, and he sends me money from time to time. I told him everything that I was going through with my husband. He is still not married, and he is encouraging me to divorce my husband. I asked him if he was for real, and he said yes. I told my parents about the situation, but my father is discouraging me from leaving my husband. At the same time he says he wants me to be happy.

I am writing you for your opinion. My husband does not support his child. The responsibility is on my parents. Pastor, I made a big mistake. Sometimes I blame my parents for sheltering me too much. I am their only child.

G.D.

Dear G.D.,

It is unfortunate that you are now blaming your parents for sheltering you. I am sure that they did their best for you. They provided for you. They encouraged you to go to church, etc. I am sure that certain privileges that you had as an only child, some other children did not get. What you may call sheltering is what others may describe as protecting you.

You met this man, who is much older than you. However, you were old enough to know that if you had unprotected sex, you would have got pregnant. Your parents, I am sure, didn't have anything to do with that. You decided to have unprotected sex with this man, and, evidently, he didn't care at all. It is not uncommon for parents to suggest to their daughters who become pregnant that it would be better to marry the men who have got them pregnant because they do not wish to have grandchildren who are born out of wedlock.

Perhaps, looking back, your parents regret that they encouraged you to marry this irresponsible man. I am sure you have really tried to love him. And if he had treated you well, you might not have been so tempted to end the relationship with him.

You have mentioned this young man with whom you had a friendly relationship while both of you were in high school. He is willing to marry you and is encouraging you to divorce your husband. Your father is discouraging you from doing so. I have said many times, and I will repeat, that divorce is last resort. It is not the first thing a couple should be glad to do. They should seek professional help to see whether the problems they are having can be resolved.

Your life is tied up with this man, but I will ask you to try to talk to him to see whether he would agree for both of you to see a family counsellor before you take any action against him. The young man abroad may have very good intentions, but please bear in mind that you are married, and you should not do anything to give the impression that you do not care what happens to your marriage or to your husband, though bad he might be.

Pastor