Husband accused me of sleeping with my uncle

Dear Pastor,

I am a 26-year-old woman, and I have an embarrassing situation. When I was 14 years old, I left my parents to go and live with my uncle and his wife because they didn't have children, and my uncle said that he and his wife would help me to go to school. They live in a lovely home. But my aunt (his wife) was very fussy. Everything had to be in place, but she never restricted me when it came to food. She didn't eat much, she would just pick around.

They had their room upstairs, but I lived in a room downstairs that they called the guest room. It was no more a guest room after I went to live there. I had my own bathroom, and my aunt would check on the room almost every day to see if it was tidy.

My uncle gave me money every week. From that, I was able to pay my fare to go to school and buy my lunch. And if he was off on any day, he would drop me to school. Every day I called my mother, and every holiday I went home.

There was a boy who was living in the same neighbourhood, and he liked me. One day, my aunt saw me at the gate talking to him, and she told me that I shouldn't have anything to do with him. She told my uncle what she saw, and he told me that he is a member of a gang, so I should not have anything to do with him.

One day I was coming from school, and he lay waited me. I told him that we can't be seeing each other because I was told that he is not a good man. He asked me who told me that, and whether it was my uncle. I did not answer, and he said those people should die; they don't know who they are playing with. I was very afraid. So, whenever he saw me and called to me, I would just say 'hi' or 'hello' and keep walking.

My uncle and my aunt were going away, and my mother came to stay at the house. I told her about this guy. After a while we did not see him, and we heard that he was arrested for drugs. That was the end of my friendship with this fellow.

THEY PAID FOR EVERYTHING

While living with my uncle, I got five passes. I am now married, but that is the problem. When I met this other guy and he started to come around, he told my uncle and my aunt the type of work he does. My uncle said he didn't have any objection to the relationship. We had a nice wedding. My uncle and his wife did their part. They paid for everything. My mother was so proud of me.

I am working, but my husband cannot keep a job, and he wants me to support him. He asked me to talk to my uncle to give him a loan to buy a car. I could not do that. So, now he is finding lots of faults about my uncle, and he has even accused me of having an affair with my uncle. That has never happened. And whenever I tell him that I am going to visit my uncle and my aunt, he says: 'Yes, you are going to see your man'. I cannot believe that this is the man my uncle encouraged me to marry. We do not have children, but he wants me to get pregnant. I know this marriage will not last, because I cannot forgive him for accusing me of going to bed with my uncle.

I know that you are going to say that I should go to see a counsellor, but it doesn't make sense because it doesn't matter what the counsellor says, I can never be happy with my husband. Whenever he is trying to have sex with me, I have to force myself to do it because of the accusation he has made, and he has never apologised. So please, tell me what to do. I am dying inside.

N.D

Dear N.D.,

Unfortunately, you got married to a very silly man. He needs to learn how to treat a woman. He has no respect for you. He knows that you hold your uncle and aunt in high esteem, but he believes that something went on between the both of you. I could understand why you would find it very difficult to make love to a man who accused you of having sexual relations with your uncle. He did not say it in jest, he means it and he does not regret saying it.

Having said the above, I would still urge you to make an appointment to see a family counsellor. Tell him that you would want the both of you to go. Perhaps by going, you will learn why he believes that there was a sexual affair going on with you and your uncle. If he agrees to go, he may deny that he said that to you. I know you have made up your mind to end the relationship with this man, but nothing should be done in a hurry. No relationship should end before an effort is made to save it.

Why should he turn away from your uncle because you refused to ask your uncle for a loan that he can use to purchase a vehicle? He should work and save to purchase his own vehicle, and he should learn to support his house. You should tell your uncle and aunt that things are not going right between the both of you. But please, don't let them know that he has accused you of having an affair with him. At least, not yet.

Pastor