I get no pleasure from sex

Dear Pastor,

I was molested twice when I was a child by my uncle. I didn't tell anybody, which was wrong because I didn't want anybody to think differently of me. I was angry and I hated men, but now I just forgive them; I want to move on with my life. However, I can't because I'm unresponsive to sex. I feel no pleasure at all.

This experience made my ex-boyfriend feel like he was no good, and I think this is one of the reasons why we broke up. But I met a wonderful guy who I would like to marry someday, and I want the first time we have sex to be full of pleasure for me, like what my friends talk about.

Pastor, what do you suggest I do? How do I get back normal?

Initials withheld

Dear writer,

First of all, I regret hearing that you were raped by your uncle and he went free because you did not report him. I have said it many times, and I will repeat, all rapes should be reported and the accused should be arrested and tried.

I know that very often, relatives bring pressure on the victims and tell them that they should not report any person who is a relative to the police. Some tell the women that they would bring down shame on the relative. But I say that it is not the person who was raped who should feel the shame, it is the one who has committed the terrible act.

In Jamaica, there is no statue of limitation for crimes such as rape. It can still be reported to the police.

As it relates to your issue about sex. You say you have tried to have sex but you are not enjoying the act at all. That is a normal reaction from persons who were raped. You see, you did not undergo therapy. You should have seen a trained family counsellor or psychologist who would have assisted you in dealing with the bad experience.

The hate is still with you. You resent men. Although you say that you have forgiven the uncle, I must suggest that you try to make an appointment to see a psychologist. It cannot be a one-time session. He or she would help you.

Your ex-boyfriend is not to be blamed for anything. But if you don't get help, your present boyfriend would suffer the same fate as your ex. And even if you were to get married, you would not enjoy sexual intimacy with your husband; so please, try and get some help. Make an appointment with a family counsellor or psychologist soon.

Pastor