I let a woman give me oral sex to spite my boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I have always been a reader of your column but I never thought I would end up writing to you. I am 22 years old. I am confused and I feel guilty.

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and he is the person I would hope to marry and go into church with some day.

We have had ups and downs in our relationship and sometimes I know I may be too hard on him, but I can't help it. I feel like my sexual needs (oral sex) are being neglected.

He did it a few times in the beginning of the relationship; then he stopped and said it's because he's not really "into" it, but would occasionally ask me for that favour.

I basically feel like he tricked me because before we got in a relationship, he told me that he would make sure I was satisfied where that is concerned.

This pushed me to getting drunk and cheating on him with a female friend I had that he knows.

I would always tell him that "you not pleasing me and it is going to lead me to asking someone else to."

I hoped that he would change his mind about it, but instead, he took it as nothing. I ended the relationship; however, now that I have done so, I feel like a horrible person.

I am so disappointed in myself. I really didn't want to cheat on him. I've turned down so many guys for him and I fell into the arms of a woman eventually.

Now I'm struggling with myself. I know it will hurt him to hear this. I don't know if I should keep it to myself, hold this guilt inside and spare him the heartbreak, or whether I should tell him.

I am asking for forgiveness and hope that we could still work on our relationship. I know I was wrong and I love him with all my heart. Please help me, pastor. What should I do?

C.M

Dear C.M

You considered that your sexual needs were not being met because your boyfriend was not always having oral sex with you. That is what you love more than sexual intercourse itself.

This man has done it with you many times, but you seem to want that all the time. And because he has not complied, you got sexually involved with a female.

The desire for oral sex has been met. But now that you have done so, you miss your boyfriend and you are wondering whether you should confess to him what you have done and how he would react.

You know that you are not speaking the truth when you say that it was your boyfriend who pushed you into "getting drunk" and having sex with a female.

You know that is not true. You know that your boyfriend didn't have anything to do with this desire that you had for oral sex. So, don't blame him.

I have known relationships to have broken up because either party has the desire to engage in oral sex. Even married couples have got divorced because of it.

So, you are lying when you say that you got drunk and had oral sex with another girl. The big desire has always been there and this girl facilitated you because both of you love each other and can be considered as lesbians.

You may tell this man what you did in your quest to get him back. But you would have to go further. You would have to assure him that you are finished with this girl and that she would not become a challenge in the relationship.

You would have to assure him that you would not run back to this girl whenever he fails to have oral sex with you.

If you have decided to tell him and he tells you that he doesn't want you back, don't hold that against him.

If you want to take the risk to tell him, I suggest that both of you should go and see a family counsellor. I wish you well and I will be praying for you.

Pastor