Mom hates me because I resemble my dad

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 and this is my first time writing to you. I am having a problem. My mother does not like me. She likes my two younger sisters. But she does not like me because I resemble my father.

She says that anytime she sees me, I remind her of my father. My father and my mother separated when I was only 11. I remember the evening when my father grabbed her and threatened to kill her. A neighbour had to run to save her.

My father accused my mother of cheating. My mother said it was not true, but my father said he had proof. My father told my mother that she had to leave his house, so she left and she went to live with a cousin.

But then she ended up with the same man that my father accused her of having, and they have two children together. She gave me to my father's parents, so they raised me.

My father supported me and sent me to a good high school. I love my father very much. He brags about me. Whenever I go to see my mother, she does not make me feel comfortable.

'I'M NOT UGLY'

The last time I went there, she said, 'What a way you ugly like your father'. But I am not ugly, Pastor. I am a very attractive girl. She doesn't want me to come by her. So my father told me not to go back there.

Sometimes when I see the condition under which my mother is living, I feel very sorry for her. If she and my father were still together, she would have been better off. Her man is a labourer and sometimes he is not working.

The only problem I am having right now, Pastor, is that there is this guy who likes me and I told my father about him, but my father doesn't like him.

My father says that his people are not good people. I don't know what to say about that because he is very nice to me and he has ambition. So, I am writing for your advice.

V.L.

Dear V.L.,

Evidently, you resemble your father. Your father and your mother don't like each other.

So, because your mother doesn't like your father, whenever she sees you, you remind her so much of him. It is not that you are ugly or that your father is ugly, but she is hitting at you because she is unable to hit back at your father.

As you say, you know you are not ugly, but when she says that you are ugly as your father, there is this good feeling in her when she curses you. It is as if she is cursing your father.

Your father told you to stop visiting her. However, what I would suggest is that even if you do not go to see her, you should try your best to keep in contact with her by phone.

Send her a text on special days, such as Mother's Day, and on her birthday. Please, always try and talk to your siblings and let them know that you love them.

I UNDERSTAND

Concerning your boyfriend, you say that you father doesn't like him because he does not come from a good family. I understand what your father is saying.

He wants the best for you, but you don't see what this guy's background has to do with the love that you may have for him.

I am going to suggest to you that you don't argue with your father over this matter. Don't fight him. Keep the love that you have for your boyfriend in your heart. Perhaps your father may change his mind when he sees that this young man is ambitious and hard-working. He may welcome him into the family without a fight.

Before I go, let me encourage you to continue to be respectful to your father and to your grandparents who raised you.

Please try and go to college so that you would be able to support yourself and make everybody, including your mother, proud of you.

Pastor