Fiancé doesn’t want us to live with my mother

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 and my boyfriend is 30. We have been together for four years. We started playing around when I was in my last year in high school.

He convinced me that I was the prettiest girl he had ever known. When I wanted to quit school because things were hard with my mother, he told me not to. He gave me money and paid for everything I needed to graduate.

My father never cared about me. He said I was a jacket. One day I asked my father for money and he told me that I should go and ask my real father. My boyfriend has been helping me and my mother has accepted him. She is so strict with me that I can't talk to any other man. She said she is only accepting my boyfriend. He had a birthday recently and I wanted to have a little gathering for him and my mother took over. I invited just a few friends. I was going to serve sandwiches but my mother insisted that we should have curry goat.

A friend gave me money to buy a cake for him and he and I cut the cake. It was lots of fun. But the biggest surprise was when he took out a ring and proposed to me.

Tears flowed from my eyes because I was not expecting that. That night my mother allowed him to sleep over. We had sex but he was well prepared. He had the condom. My mother told me that she was hoping that he would get me pregnant before we are married.

Pastor, I don't want that to happen to me. I would prefer to get married first. I won't tell my boyfriend what my mother said because he may stop using the condom. This man is in a good job. Since we have been engaged, he has opened a joint account for us. His parents like me. He has one child and he is taking care of him. I know the child's mother. She is no problem to me.

My mother says that when we are married, he can move in instead of us paying rent. But he does not agree. He wants us to be on our own. Right now he is paying $25,000 for a one-bedroom place with its own convenience. I am not working at the moment, but I hope to start in January. He wants to have a big wedding but I will be satisfied with a small one. I am trying to convince him to agree to move into my mother's house to save some money.

D.A.

Dear D.A.,

Let me begin by saying that I am glad that you have found a good man. But I am also sorry that your father did not support you as a child. He totally rejected you.

But, not only did he not support you, he insulted you. Even if he doubted that you were his biological daughter, he could have gone about the matter in a different way. But you have done well. You met a man who fell in love with you and who has helped you financially. This man respects you and your mother, and your mother loves him because she sees that he is a good man.

Congratulations on your engagement. It is unusual that a bride would want to have a small wedding and her husband wants a big wedding. Generally it is the bride who wants a big wedding. Your fiance is very wise. You should not plan a large wedding. It will be costly. You can save lots of money by going small. He has rejected your mother's offer for both of you to live at her home after you have been married. A real man should take his wife from her mother's home and live elsewhere. Sometimes circumstances may cause a man to live in the home of his wife but that is not advisable. The Bible says a man should leave father and mother and cleave to his wife. One can avoid conflict when living separate and apart from in-laws. So, my friend, take good care of yourself, love and respect your fiance and I wish both of you well as you plan your wedding.

Pastor