My stepfather is too strict

Dear Pastor,

I am 19 years old and I am having lots of problems. I am living with my stepfather and two brothers. My mother left us in this place and went to work in America.

My stepfather doesn't want me to have a boyfriend. He said he does not want to see any man coming to his gate. I have a boyfriend, but I can only meet with him at certain places. My stepfather is always watching me. People ask me if he has ever tried to molest me. That has never happened. I will not tell lies about him. I told my mother that I want to leave from here. She said that the reason why I want to leave is because I can't bring men into my stepfather's house, and that I should stop behaving like a whore.

On my 18th birthday, my boyfriend organised a very private party at his sister's home. The party was held early. It started at 5 p.m., and by 7 p.m. everybody had to leave. My boyfriend's sister allowed us to use her room. That is where my boyfriend took my virginity. After an hour, he called a taxi to take me home. When I got home, my stepfather was at the gate waiting for me. As soon as I stepped out of the vehicle, he started to curse bad words. I passed him and went inside. He called my mother and told her that I had just come home and she should find somewhere to put me.

I had to lie to my mother. I told her that I was with friends and I cannot stand my stepfather any more. I told her that he had called me a whore. He denied calling me that. I do not know my biological father, but I wish I did. Every time I ask my mother about him, she says she does not know where he is. She has not given me his name. I don't want to embarrass my mother any more, but I have not given up on trying to know and find my father.

S.T.

Dear S.T.,

First of all, I am glad that your stepfather has never tried to molest you. But he constantly says things that embarrass you. You face verbal abuse from him all the time, which is unfortunate.

Your letter reminds me of how clever some of you young people can be. Here was this man, who didn't want you to have a boyfriend. He didn't want any man to come to his gate. And yet your boyfriend and you were able to plan a private party at his sister's house late in the afternoon. And your boyfriend and you had privacy, and you gave away your virginity. Your stepfather couldn't think that you would have done that.

Your mother believes that whatever your stepfather is saying to you is for your own good. But there must be another way that he can give you guidance without verbally abusing you and calling you a whore. Young lady, be careful of what you do. I urge you to try and get some education. Please, consider attending HEART/NSTA Trust. You need an education more than anything else.

Pastor