Mom dreads first Christmas after son’s death

Though she puts on a brave face, Kenesha Webley is dreading facing this Christmas, as it will be the first without her only child Cornell Hall.

"Maybe I will play some Christmas carols and pretend like everything is normal. Maybe I will pretend my son is still here and prepare a meal. Maybe I will just pretend like everything is okay," said Webley, as the reality kicks in that she will never spend another Christmas with Cornell. The youngster passed away at the University Hospital of West Indies following a knee surgery in March.

"My birthday was the fourth of December and my nephew hung out with me because they didn't want me to be alone. Last year my son and I went to a resort and we enjoyed ourselves. He is not here with me anymore and I have been crying every day since last week. Then I dry off my face and go around my family and act like I am okay but my heart is sore," Webley said.

As she watched her loved ones prepare for Christmas Day, Webley said she is gripped with the harsh reality that her son would not be playfully bothering her to taste each dish as she prepares them.

"I would usually let him hang out with his uncle as he lost his father, so they would go out together. Sometimes we would go to Devon House where he could play with other children. There are times when he would say to me that everybody have their dad except him, so this year it came to me, and I understand exactly how it felt because everyone has their children except me. He wasn't the type to help me cook Christmas dinner but he was the one who does the tasting," she said.

Cornell was just 16 when he passed. He loved football and was anticipating a return to the field following a tibia reconstruction. This is a surgical procedure often performed to treat bone tumours or fractures. Although he was living with sickle cell disease, Webley said the teenager was in good health, so he was cleared for surgery. Unfortunately, he died hours after the operation.

Webley said she is surrounded by love and support from her relatives but a huge part of her died with Cornell.

"They (relatives) are inviting me and pulling me out, but the thought of losing my son still lingers. Persons are saying that I am strong and maybe it's because I can't do better. Sometimes I feel like my heart is not beating. From my son died, I hardly cook because it is just me, and right now my fridge practically empty because most of the groceries I use to purchase was for him," she said.

Currently suffering from survivor's guilt, Webley said she is often told to get another child but says while she does not rule the idea, her son will never be replaced.

"Maybe I will foster a child one day, but it still feels like I am trying to replace him and it's hard. I am supposed to do a headstone for him, and although him in the grave, and it block 'round, it just come een like me tiling it is like the final nail in the coffin, and I am closing him off and I don't want to do it. I really don't want to say goodbye," Webley said.