Had to leave my abusive babyfather

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 and my babyfather is verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive. He always questioned the paternity of our child.

I am of dark complexion and he is light-skinned, and because my daughter is a little darker than him, his doubts increased. A paternity test confirmed that he was the father. But he still found other ways to disgrace me, such as telling me that I sold sex and I was ugly.

I realised he was not that educated and that was possibly the reason for his ignorance. Pastor, to be honest, at first I could not tell that he was barely literate. He always claimed that he heard things and, instead of talking or asking, he would accuse and judge me. The last argument we had was in September. He accused me of having sex in the house with one of his friends.

It was a Sunday when everyone was at home. I was taking care of my baby while trying to do some cleaning. Pastor, he works in the same yard that we live in. He is a mechanic and his garage is right in front of the house. So he would have been a fool to make his friend walk past him into his house to have sex with his babymother. I am not even that type of person. I moved back in with my mother that same day.

I am still hurting deeply as I never wanted to be a single mother, because growing up it was rough on my mom. Thankfully, I am working and not depending on anyone.

I think he suffers from a mental illness. Even his parents think so. He needs help and he refuses to accept that. I have been going back to church and trying to renew my faith, but it's really rough.

He supports his daughter financially but, lately, he hardly spends time with her. He always says that he's coming to get her and, when the day arrives, I don't hear from him until a few days later. He then says he was busy and had cars to work on.

Honestly, I feel so lonely. I'm trying to go on a godly path but at times I feel for affection and to have my sexual needs met. But I don't trust anyone and I can't be with someone who I don't want a relationship with, and with whom I am not emotionally attached. I am trying my best to achieve my life goals.

I have started a small online business last month where I buy and sell baby items, but it's hard trying to help to pay bills, take care of my daughter, save for school, supply my business and tend to my basic needs. I feel sad, depressed, hurt, betrayed and useless.

S.S.

Dear S.S.,

You are indeed struggling, but one thing you should not do is to go back to your child's father.

He questioned paternity and, even after the DNA proved that he is the father of the child, he said derogatory things about you. The question is, why does he say these things?

I can tell you it is because he does not want you around. He does not respect you. He thinks that he is better than you. You took too long to leave this man. You gave him the impression that you loved him more than you loved yourself. So although there are times you would naturally feel for a man in your life, he is clearly not the one.

Another reason not to go back to this man is because he is a liar. Men who talk about hearing things from folks about their women are not truthful. They are making up stories.

You have not said anything about taking this man to court, and that is what you should be seriously thinking about. He cannot be too busy to spend time with his daughter.

The court will settle this matter for you by telling him which days he should pick up the child and how long he should have her.

You are a young woman and you have your sexual needs. Pray and wait on the Lord. Don't throw yourself around with just any man. You will not die from lack of affection.

Pastor