Don’t feel like I can go on

Dear Pastor,

I have been going through a lot and I am a loner. I don't have anyone to talk to. I sometimes talk to my children, especially my baby, although she really doesn't understand.

I am confused as to what is happening to me lately. I don't feel very well physically or mentally. I just feel like giving up.

I am 27 and I feel like I do not belong in this world. I have contemplated suicide for some time. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if it is because of pressure or whether it is because I lost my job due to the pandemic. My business also crashed. I am unable to take care of my two children. Sometimes I get angry at them, especially when they pester me for things and I cannot give them. I cry sometimes. I love them but I have been pushing them away and my son who is eight knows that something is wrong and he says I don't love him. But I am under too much pressure and stress to show affection. He is a very emotional child. He often comes and hugs me and he kisses me when I am lying down. When I push him away he cries and says, 'Mommy, you don't love me'.

I hear voices telling me to leave them, but another voice says, 'No, if you run away who is going to take care of the children?' My son doesn't know his father because I was raped.

My daughter's father was abusive, so I had to leave him. I know I need help. I have just had enough of this cold world. I am a strong person but I am just tired. Whenever I close my eyes, I just see terror. I hate the woman in the mirror. I wish I had someone to talk to. I need some good advice and encouragement, even some prayers.

I try to pray but it's like the words can't come out of my mouth. I don't want to hurt my children any more. Sometimes I wish I had someone to give them to until I am able to straighten out my life. I want to give them something special for Christmas but I don't know how that will happen because I am so low right now.

G.B.

Dear G.B.,

I regret hearing that you are not a happy woman. Apart from saying that you were raped by the father of one of your children, you have not said anything about their fathers.

You have been struggling with these children alone. You should seriously consider taking them before the court for the maintenance of their children.

You are unemployed. You need help with these children. How do you pay your rent and maintain yourself? It is evident that you are ambitious. You want the best for your children. But it is time for you to seek all the help you can through the court. It is not unusual for a woman to think about suicide when she has her back to the wall and she does not know where to turn to receive help. This is where relatives can come in. Have you ever discussed with your relatives whether they can help you by taking one or both of the children? That would relieve the pressure you are undergoing.

I am not here suggesting that you give up your children permanently. But perhaps you have an aunt who may be willing to assist you with your children. Then there are others who may not be related to you who may help. There might be a couple who doesn't have children who would be glad to take them in and the children would become a part of their family.

You haven't said anything about church. There are many churches who assist women with their children. Some have very strong women's movements. They often take on the responsibility of supporting children whose mothers have lost their jobs.

I suggest that you talk to the pastor of the church you attend if you are a churchgoer. I further suggest that you should give me a call at 876-877-1009 or 876-929-1667 and discuss this matter further with me and I will try to assist you further. In the meantime, trust the Lord and don't give up. I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Pastor