Drug addict husband drove me to cheat

Dear Pastor,

I am a 32-year-old woman and I am married, but not to my daughter's father. We have been married for seven years.

I was very happy at first, but he is allowing relatives to tell him how to live and he has had run-ins with the law. My daughter loves him. But I am very unhappy. This man tells lies.

I cannot put down any money. He is now using drugs, so you can imagine that I am not getting much money from him. He has other women and he brags that they support him. His relatives say that I am lying, but I don't have to. Although he does not give me much money, I make sure that I cook and leave his dinner. I am a Jamaican woman and that is what Jamaican women do. They feed their men. I used to cry over the situation, but not any more. I have been telling him that if he does not change, I am going to go my way.

We were owing two months' rent and our landlady told me that if we don't pay even one month, she will give us notice. I begged a friend to help me and he loaned me the $40,000 to pay the rent. This friend is single, so when I did not get the other month's rent, I told him. He asked me why I was married and still looking for help. He reminded me that he has always liked me. But I wanted to be faithful to my husband.

I am ashamed to tell you that I have found myself thinking about this guy, and I slept with him twice. I told my husband that I am going to cheat, but he does not know who the person is. To be forced to go to bed with another man because I am in need is not a good feeling. This guy is not as educated as my husband and he is not as handsome, but he is a hard worker.

I don't know what to do because this man told me he made a mistake by marrying me. I am paying back a student loan. I am paying for my child to go to prep school. I have a car loan to pay. Her father helps, but I don't want to tell him about my problems. I used to say I would not want to keep a man while I am married. But now, I don't care what people say. I am thinking of changing jobs, but the guy told me I shouldn't. What should I do? These days I don't allow my husband to touch me. And whenever I don't agree to have sex, he calls me a whore.

Please, pastor, I need your advice.

C.H.

Dear C.H.,

I hope you will try your best to pay your rent and not allow your landlady to give you notice. Your husband needs help. When a man is on drugs, he cannot save money or live a normal life. Sometimes when I ask for certain men who have been known to earn substantial amounts of money, I am told that they are on drugs and unable to save money. Some have shamed their families by not maintaining their children or paying their rent. Some have ended up walking the streets, while others have lived on the street and their relatives have abandoned them.

That is likely going to happen to your husband if he does not stop taking hard drugs. I know that there are some people who will criticise you for getting into another relationship. I know you are not proud of what you are doing, and it is unfortunate that you have yielded to that temptation. This man helped you to pay your rent, and then you needed more money, and he decided that he will not continue to help you unless you became intimate with him.

You did not say how much you earn and what type of work you do. You said you have a student loan to repay and other obligations. Perhaps you should try and get a better-paying job or find a way to earn additional money. If you are not able to earn more money, I am afraid that debt will continue to drive you into the arms of this other man.

By now, your husband suspects that someone is helping you and that's why he calls you a whore. He suspects that this someone is a man. Please encourage him to seek professional help for his drug problem, otherwise his condition will worsen. I hope that you will not be tempted to move in with this other man. If you can move in with relatives, consider doing so, until you have sorted out your problem.

Pastor