Pregnant after a wild night

Dear Pastor,

I have always read your column, and I see where you have helped many people. I have an issue that I would like you to help me with. It has been bothering me now for a number of years. I am 22. When I was 18, a group of us went out. We all knew each other, so we all slept together. We were drinking and having fun. We ended up sleeping with one another, we did not choose. My boyfriend was there. He had sex with me and then he had sex with some of my girlfriends. I had sex with a couple of guys but we did not hold that against each other. It was our way of having fun.

I discovered that I was pregnant, and my boyfriend asked me if I was sure he was the one who got me pregnant. I asked him why he asked that and he said he was not sure. When the baby was born, he accepted the child as his own, but as the child started to grow up, he resembles my boyfriend's cousin, but my boyfriend has been supporting him.

Recently, my mother asked me why he child resembles my boyfriend's cousin so much. She said that he has his ears and his nose. I asked my boyfriend's cousin if he saw any resemblance in this child. He said yes, he knows that the child is his, but we should just keep that to ourselves and if it doesn't bother my boyfriend, I should leave it alone. The child is registered in my boyfriend's name and he is sending him to school.

But, pastor, it bothers me. None of my friends who were at that party used protection. We just had a fling, but it seems to me that I got caught. When my mother asked me how come the child resembles my boyfriend's cousin so much, I told her that is because they are cousins, but I know in my heart that it is the cousin's child.

I don't know what to do. It is bothering me more and more because my boyfriend and I are planning to get married, and we want all our friends and relatives to be at our wedding. My fiance doesn't talk much about what we did. But it is always on my mind. I told his cousin not to give me anything for the child, because I don't want him to be treated in a special way. He, too, is planning to get married very soon and his fiancee has never asked him about our child.

Sometimes I wonder whether I should confide in my mother that I suspect that my fiance is not the father of my son. But I think it is risky. I am also thinking about doing a DNA test to find out the truth, but I would not want my husband-to-be to know what I am thinking. I am asking you kindly for your advice. I love you pastor, and thank you.

L

Dear L.,

Often, young people make mistakes and some of these are costly. A few years ago, you and your friends decided that you wanted to have some extra fun, so you all went out and you ate, drank and you swapped partners. You were not even thinking that you could've picked up STDs. It was not what you would have done ordinarily.

You are pretty sure that your boyfriend's cousin impregnated you. The child resembles him. Of course, one should be careful not to judge who the father is by the features of a child. But your mother is pretty sure that your boyfriend is not the father of your son.

The answer to the problem, of course, is a DNA test, but you are scared to death. You don't want to face the truth. Neither would you want your fiance to come to realise that he is not the biological father of the child. That is the way out. You should not be afraid to tell him that you have a concern about it because, remember, you did not sleep with his cousin secretly; everybody was having a fling, including your boyfriend, but you got caught.

Perhaps your fiance may say that he suspected all along that he did not father this child, but let everything remain as it is. Every couple should be cautious about the way they live and not throw themselves around with their friends. I wish you well.

Pastor