My wife sees sex as something dirty

Dear Pastor,

I am 30 years old and I am a Christian. My wife is 24 years old and also a Christian. I hope that what I am saying to you does not tell you that I am stupid. When I met my wife, we did not go out a lot. Her father was very strict. Although she was an adult, she had to be home by 9 p.m. every night.

Both of us agreed that we would not have sex until we were married. I loved her so much that I went along with that. I have always seen my wife in clothes. When we got married, my wife did not want to take off her clothes if the lights were on. I asked her what was her problem, but she insisted that I take off the light or turn my face to the wall. I said to myself, 'What is this?' I wondered to myself if she had a skin disease or so, so I turned off the light and coaxed her to come on the bed. We manage to consummate the marriage.

The following day was a Sunday morning. I tried to have sex with my wife, but she would not allow me to remove her nightie. She did not want me to see her naked. That is when I realised that I was in trouble. I showed her that I had nothing on and reminded her that we were married people, but that didn't help the situation.

I got very forceful and ripped off her nightie, something I have regretted doing. I did get her in the nude; however my wife cried like a baby and accused me of raping her. After we were finish having sex, I try to get my wife to agree for both of us to go for counselling. She told me nothing was wrong with her, so she did not need counselling.

After a few nights, she would lie down in bed and pull a sheet over herself while I totally expose myself to her. She called me 'dirty' and 'wild'. My wife sees sex as something dirty. She has told me over and over that she does not like sex and we do not have to do it. I am still struggling. When she is not pleased with me, she puts up resistance. How can I get my wife not to resist me?

E.

Dear E.,

Your wife is suffering from some inhibitions, but she is not alone. A gentleman, who told me that he is a Christian and worked with a certain missionary society, said that he has never seen his wife in the nude. So I asked him how do they have sexual intercourse. He didn't explain that to me. To cut a long story short, this man and his wife divorced each other, but they were Christian people.

A lady complained to me that her husband would take his clothes into the bathroom, have a shower and changed in there. He would never come out of that bathroom naked. Before going to bed, he would have a shower and put on his pajamas. He would go underneath the sheet and if he wants to have sex with her, she would have to come under the sheet.

To me, that is utter stupidity. Christianity doesn't teach that. God doesn't expect a Christian married couple to behave that way. Something is wrong. These are reasons why couples should attend premarital counselling before they say 'I do'.

You and your wife need to see a counsellor. There is a time for everything under the sun. Your marriage will surely fail if both of you don't do as the Bible exhorts you to do: to make time for each other and to do what married couples ought to do. The Bible says if you don't do what married couples ought to do, you will be tempted to cheat.

You should see that exhortation from Paul in 1 Corinthians 7:5. The Scripture says, "Don't defraud one another (don't cheat each other by coming up with excuses for saying no to sex when your spouse wants it)."

Pastor