Finding it hard to be single

Dear Pastor,

I was born in Jamaica, but I am living in the USA. My parents took me here when I was a child. So most of what I know about Jamaica is what I hear from them and from relatives.

I have been trying to find my roots, so I got married three times, but my marriages were not successful. The men I married were too jealous; I like my freedom, and they could not deal with it. I didn't use my freedom to do anything bad, but I love to go out on weekends, and my husbands couldn't stand that. Only one didn't think I was cheating.

I went to a party with my first husband where they were playing some of Bob Marley's songs, and this young man was trying to show me how to dance to the beat. My husband embarrassed me by pulling the young man away. The young man did not know that he was my husband, so he retaliated and it almost caused a big fight. I had to endure foolish things like that. I have decided not to remarry, but it is hard to live a single life. I love men.

I go out with my girlfriends sometimes, but all they do is talk about other women. While I was married I never used protection, but I did not get pregnant. I would love to have a daughter. I am not blessed that way at all. I hate to think that I am barren. I am only 50, so I have to be thinking about adopting a girl.

I am interested in a man, but he is only 35. He has never been married. He has a steady job, but I am earning much more. He is respectful and good-looking, and he is Jamaican. This is the last Jamaican man I am trying my luck with. There is another guy who is interested in me, but he is from Mexico and his papers are not straight. Sometimes when he is on the phone talking to his friends, I wonder if he is planning to kill me, because I don't understand what they are saying.

I don't want a man to support me because I can support myself. I want a man for companionship, love and everything else that comes with it. You understand what I mean. This 35-year-old man doesn't like me to say my age because I don't look my age.

Do you think that this guy is too young for me? And what do you have to say about the guy from Mexico? Please give me your advice.

C.L.

Dear C.L.,

You did not say what caused your marriages to break down. You have been fortunate to get married three times, but they were not successful marriages. I am very sorry to hear that they all ended in divorce and were all with Jamaican men.

Now you are having a relationship with a 35-year-old Jamaican. If you decide to marry this man, you should make sure that you truly love him and that both of you will spend much time in premarital counselling. Divorce should be the last resort. It should not be the first thing a couple thinks about when they have a dispute. I don't want to imply that all marriages were meant to last, but some couples are in a great hurry to get divorced.

This 35-year-old man was never married. He is young, but if he respects you and you respect him, the relationship can be successful. Don't treat him as a boy and remind him that he is just a 'kid'; he will resent that.

Before I go, let me say a word about the Mexican man who is knocking at your door. You say that this man is not legal in the USA, so I cannot encourage you to seriously consider this man. He needs to work on his status before thinking about you as his wife. He may be trying to use you to get his status changed.

Pastor