Future mother-in-law trying to run our lives

Dear Pastor,

I am 20 and hope to be married by the end of the year. Presently, I am engaged to a wonderful man who is 23.

He is living at his mother's home and I am still living with my parents. He wants us to leave our parents' homes and to rent a place because his mother is still trying to rule his life. She said she has nothing against me personally, but she feels that he is stepping down because he has more education and comes from a so-called middle class family.

His father does not live with his mother because when he was 17, his father went to America and became involved with a white woman. His father told his mother that he wasn't coming back, so she should find another man, but he would take care of his son. Every month his father sends money for him. His mother declared that she would not want another man in her life. He has never known his mother to have another man. She was also hoping that the marriage between her child's father and the white woman would not work, and that he would come back to Jamaica and marry her. His mother has been begging his father to return for a long time. One day he called his father to wish him a happy birthday and his father heard his mother saying, "Tell him to come home"; his father said that he could never come back to her.

As we are preparing to get married, we have to decide where to live. The house my fiance and his mother are living in has three bedrooms and two bathrooms. His mother is trying to convince him that we should live with her. I told him that I am not prepared to do so. It is a lovely house, but this woman would try to continue controlling her son. If there was another kitchen and we would be by ourselves, it would be different, but it is a family house with just one kitchen, so I don't want to live there.

My fiance has a good job, but he only started working a year and a half ago. It is a government job and he wants to go back to university. If we were to live at his mother's house, it would not be a strain on us, so that is what she is using and trying to tell him that he would save money. I am working but I do not make as much as my fiance. But I told him that we should not plan to have children right away. He said that his mother is already asking him if he is sure that I can get pregnant. We can afford to pay $50,000 per month for rent.

This woman is a hypocrite; she shows me 'good face', but she doesn't have anything good to say about me. So I don't want to live in her house. I told my fiance that he does not have to do a master's degree right away, but he wants to continue studying. So I am not prepared to fight him, but our wedding is on. Apart from his mother, I get along well with his relatives.

E.S.

Dear E.S.,

Your fiance's mother should keep quiet. She ought not to try to choose for her son.

He has chosen you to be his wife. She should show respect to you and you should show respect to her. Already she is a meddling mother-in-law. If you are sure that she does not like you, you should let your fiance know that you would rather not live in her house. You have already indicated that to him, but you should stand firm and not change your mind about that.

Some mothers-in-law are very good to their daughters-in-law, but some still want to have a good hold of their sons. The Bible says a man should leave his father and mother and establish a family with his wife. It does not mean that he would abandon his mother, but sometimes a son who is married may be forced to love his mother from a distance.

Some in-laws love their daughters-in-law but others hate them, especially mothers-in-law. One reason for hating their daughters-in-law is because they feel the amount of money that they would have got from their sons would be reduced. What a shame!

Pastor