Boyfriend using my past against me

Dear Pastor,

I am 25-year-old woman and I am struggling with a problem. I have a boyfriend and it seems as if he does not trust me, and I have good reasons to feel this way.

When we met two years ago, he questioned me about my previous relationships, and I made the mistake by telling him that I was not a careful girl. I grew up in a though neighbourhood. My mother had four children - all girls. My mom used to go out with different men, but they were not very nice to her. Out of the four of us, only two of my sisters know who their fathers are.

My mom was never quite sure who fathered me. When she thought she had figured it out and reached out to the man she believed was my father, he cursed her out with words that could stretch three miles long. He told her to go find the "real" father.

My mother used to work in a bar and she said that sometimes she had to sleep with the owner of the bar to get extra money.

I started to have sex when I was 16 1/2, going on to 17. I told my boyfriend these things, and at first he told me that we have to move on from the past. I felt so good when he said that.

I also told him that I used to steal from my mother when she worked in the bar. As a child, my mother used to put me on a bench in the bar to sleep. However, I knew everything that was going on. Once, I even saw a man having sex with her behind the counter. My mother thought I was asleep.

I consider myself fortunate to have made it to high school. Some of my teachers genuinely cared about me and went out of their way to help. One teacher even invited me to church and bought me clothes to wear. She had a daughter around my age, and through that connection, I met a few young men from the church and got involved with some of them.

I eventually passed three CSEC subjects and later enrolled at HEART Trust, where I studied home-making. After completing the programme, I got a job at a hotel. That's where I met my current boyfriend.

From the beginning, he has been uncomfortable with me talking to other men. I have always been loyal and honest with him, but sometimes I wonder if I shared too much about my past. Whenever we argue, he throws my background in my face. He says I don't come from a "good family" and that he was only trying to uplift me - but that he is not surprised by the way I am.

We live together now, and I even let him spend my money to show him how much I care. But deep down, I sometimes regret telling him so much about my life. His words can be very hurtful. I've told him before that I'd rather he hit me than say the things he says - though he has never physically abused me.

My mother has turned her life around. She no longer works in bars and now sells goods on the roadside. She's proud of me and tells me so. I introduced her to my boyfriend, and she said she liked him. She also attends church now, although not the same one I go to.

My boyfriend and I don't take communion because the church says that couples who live together unmarried shouldn't do so. He says he would marry me, but only if he can be absolutely sure I'll never be unfaithful. I'm doing my best to live right and walk a straight path.

What can I do to earn his trust? Do you think I was wrong for opening up to him the way I did?

E.F,

Dear E.F,

Your boyfriend is immature. In the first place he should not pressure you to tell him everything about yourself. You made a mistake by telling him so much about your past. I know that you meant to be honest with him, but if you have read my column often, you would remember that I always say that a person should not divulge everything about his or her past.

I know that there are some people who may say that a woman should tell a man everything. I consider that to be foolish because a man is not going to tell a woman everything, and mature men should accept a woman as she is.

So what should a woman do when a man ask her how many men she has gone to bed with? I will tell you what she should say. She should tell him, 'Do not to embarrass me, I have told you that I am not a virgin and I that I have had relationships. I am not a saint; if you love me take me as I am. I am not going to ask you how many women you have had sex with'.

You see, if a woman should ask a man how many women he has had, he would say many of them, I can't count. That is how men brush of that sort of a question, and he expects her to accept what he says, and never raise the issue again.

You tried to be honest, but your honesty did not pay off. I am not telling any woman to lie, you just don't have to say everything. This man has to learn to trust you. If he cannot trust you, he should move on.

Pastor