Boyfriend refuses to be romantic

Dear Pastor,

I am a 26-year-old woman and recently I started living with a man who is 28 years old. I had a boyfriend before, but we did not live together. I left him because he did not treat me well. He lied about everything and I could not deal with that.

I did not trust him because he did not speak the truth, and he had other women. When it came to women, he did not discriminate. I found out from his friends that there are times that he would go with prostitutes and that scared me.

When I finally told him that I was leaving him, he said that he could do without me, and he wished me well. I was afraid that this man would give me HIV/AIDS. We had a fight one Sunday evening and I called my brother who brought a truck and moved out my belongings. I left him on the floor because I owned everything in the house we rented.

I remained alone until I met this new man. He is very handsome, but he is very rough in every way. Unlike my ex-boyfriend, he doesn't ask me for money. However, he is on the jealous side. He is always questioning me about who I talk to on the phone.

In addition, when it comes to sex, he does not believe in foreplay. He goes to the bathroom, has his shower, comes into the bed, strips me and just wants to have sex right away. Sometimes I tell him that I am not an animal, and even animals do a little petting. However, he said that he is not into that. The moment he gets an erection, he climbs on me and begins pleasuring himself.

I would like him to caress me and massage me, but he does not believe in that. I am trying my best to teach him that a woman needs more than just a slam, but it appears as if I am wasting my time. As soon as this man has sex with me and he discharges, he goes to sleep. If he wants more sex during the night, he climbs on again.

I have learnt not to keep on my underwear because he will burst it off when he wants to have his own way. Apart from his jealousy and his crude way of having sex with me, he is a nice man. He pays most of the household bills.

Neither of us have children. I told him that if he wants us to live happily and have children, he has to change some of his ways because I would love to marry a romantic man. I am not planning to leave him because I do not want to move from man to man. My girlfriend insists that when my man wants my body I should give it to him, without a fuss, because good men are hard to find.

Do you agree with her?

R.M

Dear R.M.,

It is a fact that good men are hard to find, but that does not mean that women should tolerate everything from a man. Clearly, your ex-boyfriend was nothing but a fool. He did not know that he cannot finish women. You were quite correct in leaving him. Your health is important. When a man goes from woman to woman, he can pick up STIs and pass it on to the woman with whom he lives.

Now concerning this man with whom you are living, you describe him as being rough when it comes to sex. You would like him to be romantic in every way, but he is not.

I believe that I have said in my column some time ago that a young woman told me that when it comes to sex, she doesn't like any man playing with her. She was the principal of a school and an educated woman. She said "If we are going to have sex let's just have sex". Some men feel that they are wasting time to indulge in foreplay. They fail to realise that it takes a while for a woman to feel turned on. Some therapist says that it may take a woman up to half an hour to be sexually aroused, but for other women the period is much shorter.

There are some men, the moment they get an erection, they believe that the women should be ready.

You will have to teach your man that he should have more patience. When it comes to sex, no man is too old to learn. So if you see a future with this man, stick with him and coax him. He would change.

Pastor