She's more eager for a baby than marriage

Dear Pastor,

I am 20. I always read your column, but never thought I would have reason to write you. Something is happening in my life. I need help.

I have a girlfriend, she is 25. I love her very much. When I was in school, studying for my CXCs, she helped me. Some of my friends suspected we were having sex, but we were not.

A year ago, we started to have sex. She had a boyfriend, a teacher. She told me he had told her that if she didn't stop seeing me, it would be the end of the relationship. They broke up.

Last Valentine's Day we had sex for the first time. She had moved out of her parents house and rented her own place. I went there to spend the night with her. We had a candlelight dinner. Everything happened after that.

Pastor, I love her so much. My mother is against it. I grew up in church. My girlfriend doesn't go to church. I feel like I can't leave her. She is always warning me that if I try to leave, I will be sorry. She hasn't told me what she would do to me.

I am short, she is tall. That is one of the things my mother tells me all the time, but that doesn't bother me, Pastor.

My mother is encouraging me to see a friend, a girl I grew up with. She is at university. She wants to be a lawyer. I love her, but I love this girl more.

ONLY BOY

Whenever my mother does not see me, she calls everybody. Sometimes she calls this girl, who tells her I am not with her, but I am there. My mother has four children. I am the only boy. She treats me as a child but says she does not.

She said she is concerned about me. I told her I am a big man. I can take care of myself. When I have sex with my girlfriend, I use the condom. She wants me to stop because she wants to get pregnant. She wants a child before she is older. I will be 21 in June. She will be 26 in August.

Sometimes her ex-boyfriend, the teacher, calls and invites her out. She always asks me if she should go. I tell her it is up to her. She has not gone.

I don't know what to do. I want to please my mother, but I have to please my girlfriend. She is the first woman I ever had sex with. She had sex before. She said she first had sex when she was 13 with her mother's visitor. She never told her mother. She is more eager to have a child than for us to get married.

R.S

Dear R.S,

Thank you for writing. You did not say how well you did in your exams. I am assuming that you did well. This young woman, who is now your girlfriend, assisted you.

It is not unusual for young people to fall in love with each other whenever they are studying together. It happens often when students in college and universities do group studies. They are together for long hours. Sometimes they go to each other's homes to study, do assignment etc. Even married people who are students get involved with others they meet in college.

DISAPPROVAL

It is not surprising that this woman, who took time to help you fell in love with you. You, have admitted that you love her too. She had a man in her life, but the love she has for you is much stronger than the love she had for her boyfriend. I hope you are not upset because your mother has expressed her disapproval.

Some folks reading your letter would say your mother does not have any right to give you advice about your love life. At times parents should be silent. However when they see danger, they have a right to talk. The criticism she has for this woman is not severe. She talks about her height and your height. You are short and the woman, evidently, is much taller than you. Nothing is wrong in her pointing out that to you. However, if you love her, in spite of her height, your mother will just have to accept that.

She hasn't said anything about the woman's age. You are not troubled by her age either.

I can understand why this woman would want you to get her pregnant. She does not want to become too old to have a child. However, you have to decide whether it is in your interest to impregnate her before you get married.

You have not said anything about your father. I suppose he is not as influential in your life as your mother.

However, I suggest if you have confidence in him, you should discuss your dilemma with him.

I cannot encourage you to impregnate this woman. That is what she wants. It is not every request that a woman makes, that has to be granted by a man. I do not wish to suggest this woman has other motives than becoming a mother. You should also consider calling a family counsellor. Make an appointment to see him or her after you have discussed it with your girlfriend.

Pastor