My previous husbands said I was too independent!

Dear Pastor,

I have been married three times. This third marriage is heading for a crash. My previous husbands left me because they said that I was too independent.

I could have never bothered to get up and make breakfast for any of my husbands. They were spoilt. Their mothers provided for them. When I realised that I was losing my second husband, I had counselling. I promised the counsellor I would try to please my husband in that way.

My husband was not expecting me to prepare breakfast for him every day. He told the counsellor that sometimes I should make breakfast for him because he had tried to please me in every way. Pastor, that was true.

He used to come home and cook for me. When I got home, he would help me undress and have me soak my feet in warm water. He stopped when I did not go the extra mile to show him love and affection. He started to complain. Finally, he got involved with one of my friends, so I divorced him.

My present husband says that the only thing I am lacking are horns because I behave like a bully. I know it is not true. Pastor, I refuse to 'baby' men, so to speak. If he has a headache, he wants me to do everything for him. I can't go anywhere.

He expects me to stay home with him. I do not know how much money he earns and we have separate accounts. Though we have been married for four years, he maintains an account with one of his sisters and his mother.

I asked him what would happen if he died. He said that his relatives would bury him. I have two children, but they are not living with me.

Pastor, I don't believe I am cut out for marriage, but I hate to be alone. This is where you come in. My husband and I do not see eye to eye.

M.H.,

Dear M.H.,

I have observed that you have not said that you love your husband. You talk like a very selfish woman. Your former husbands did not stay with you because they realised how selfish you were. You did not think that it was necessary to do house chores (though you did not use these words).

You did not consider it necessary to prepare breakfast or cook. Perhaps you believe that the days when women took care of their men are over. If that's what you believe, you are making a big mistake.

I don't believe that a man should do nothing but lie around. If he can cook, he should help himself in every way. However, it is the wife's responsibility to take care of him and for him to take care of her. Both should work in the house.

Concerning your present husband, do not allow this marriage to fail. Consider seeking a family counsellor. You and your husband should try to resolve the problems with the counsellor.

The man says you are a bully. You are upset because he has his own bank account and an account with his sisters and mother.

Why should that bother you? He is a grown man. You might say that he has done so because he doesn't trust you. I don't think you should make that bother you.

Remember, you don't have to put his name on your account, so don't allow that to bother you.

Pastor