I want to marry my 'brother'

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem and I need your advice. I am 23 and my mind torments me at times. When I was eight years old, my mother took in a boy to live with us. She called him her foster child. She did not adopt him, but his parents gave him up. My mother used to bathe him outside naked because he was not accustomed to an inside bathroom. He even used to mess up the toilet. It took a long time for him to get accustomed to the inside bathroom.

When my mother was bathing him, he didn't have any shame and people used to see her bathing him. My mother taught him everything and he was a bright boy in school. My mother told me that when I went out if people asked who he was, I should say that he is my brother. My father did not favour him at first, but he got to like him because he was not lazy.

Pastor, I am ashamed to tell you that he was the first boy I had sex with. My mother used to leave us alone, and my father was never home because of the type of work he did. And we used to fool around. The first time he saw me naked, I was the one who showed him my vagina. And I asked him if he wanted some and he said yes. We were 15 years old. My mother became suspicious when she saw certain signs on his brief that he was having sex and he could not explain to her what was going on. She asked me if he had sex with me. I told her no. She asked him if he had sex with anybody and he said no. That was the end of the conversation.

When I was 18 years old, I left home for college. I missed my brother so much. He was more than a brother to me. We were lovers. I started a relationship with a guy in college two years ago. But I don't love him as much as my adopted brother. My adopted brother told me I should not marry him. He said both of us should get married. I told my mother that I loved my boyfriend but I loved my brother more and I would like us to get married. She said I was crazy, not over her dead body. My brother told me that we should try and get away and live in Canada and get married. What do you think, pastor? Don't call me a bad girl or tell me to leave him.

Y.T.,

Dear Y.T.,

This is a tough one. Your mother meant well. She took this young man from his parents and she raised him. He did well. She was naOve to believe that both of you will never become intimate because you were growing up as brother and sister in the home. She thought that your standard was much higher than this guy. So there was no way that you would have gotten involved with him sexually.

You never accepted him as your brother, although you were told to see him in that light and to introduce him to others as such. Teenagers do crazy stuff. You exposed yourself to this young man. Parents need to know that their children show each other their private parts all the time, not only to each other but to their friends who visit them and sleep over. You made the biggest mistake by offering yourself to him and he reciprocated.

It does not appear that this was just a onetime thing. Both of you were carrying on in your parents' house. He is not your biological brother, so you probably felt that it was alright. You have a boyfriend at the moment, but the boyfriend, according to you, is the man who your mother considers to be your brother. And your love is for him. Your boyfriend wants to marry you but your brother says no, both of you should go away and get married instead. You tried to talk to your mother about it and she said, 'No, you have to be crazy.' You know you are not crazy and you know how you feel.

I know you expect me to tell you what to do, but I wouldn't. Instead, I suggest that your so called brother and you make an appointment to see a psychologist or a family counsellor and discuss the matter with him. Don't try to hide anything, talk the truth. Hopefully, by the time you leave the office of that counsellor you would know what to do.

Pastor