I'm still having sex with my estrange husband

Dear Pastor,

This is the first time I am writing to you. I am having a problem. I am separated from my husband. He caused me to leave him. I couldn't take his behaviour. We don't have children together. His children never liked me. They didn't show me respect when they visited him. He has seven children that I know about, four girls and three boys.

Everything he has is in his name and the children's names. I was faithful. I never kept another man with him. He had sex with one of my best friends. I asked her. She said they went out clubbing, and she was drunk. When he took her home, he came in behind her. They had sex and he fell asleep.

I remember he did not come home that night. When I asked him why, he said he had gone to the country with some of his friends to a wake, which went on all night.

I will never trust this woman again. She has taken him over. Sometimes I see his car at her gate, so I know he is there with her.

I had taken out some furniture at a store, he is paying for them. He gives me the money every month. I also get $10,000 from him to help pay my rent. I can't take his behaviour but, at the same time, I can't leave him, so when he comes and give me my money I gives him a little sex. That is all he wants.

DIVORCE

He asked if I am going to divorce him. I told him I wanted to come home. He didn't answer. I asked him again. and he said I should stay where I am. Sometimes when I am having sex with him I cry but I think of it, and I say, It's better for me to stay where I am.

I don't call him to find out where he is anymore. On Christmas he bought me grocery but I was all alone because my relatives are not in Jamaica. Sometimes I feel like I would go out but I don't want to cheat, so my male friends can only talk to me on the phone. I don't want them to come by because, though he is carrying on with other women, he is very jealous. I don't know what to do. Pastor, please give me your advice.

G.R

Dear G.R.,

Firstly, let me suggest that you try your best to protect yourself. You say your husband has a lot of women and is having sex with them. Both of you are still having sex, so do not make the mistake to cohabitate with him without adequate protection.

Either you buy the male condom and put it on him or you buy the female condom, because you know he is going to come at you at any time.

DISRESPECTFUL

You moved out of the house because you were not comfortable there. He did not tell you to move out but you felt you could not remain in his house, plus when his children visited they were disrespectful to you.

The thought of your husband going out and fooling around women and coming home at late hours bothered you. You couldn't deal with it so you moved out.

Evidently he is not anxious to have you return. If he wanted you back, when you had suggested that you would come home, he would have encouraged you to do so. He told you to stay where you were. That is exactly what I suggest you do. Your relationship is not ideal but you have to appreciate that your husband is making sure you have money for rent and food.

He still has heavy claim on you. That is why when he comes to see you, he has sex with you. If you were to resist, he may stop assisting you. So, though many people may say you should not have sex with him, I encourage you to continue because you have not yet made a clean break from him.

You love him and still want him but you hate his behaviour. What hurts you most is knowing one of your best friends is sleeping with him and he is always there.

Perhaps you should ask him whether he would be willing to go to see a family counsellor. Tell him you want to live as a family and to operate as his wife. He may not want to abandon his lifestyle, you can never know, he may agree to go. A big change might occur. Please try, because you love this man.

Pastor