My 65-y-o husband has a mistress

Dear Pastor

I am 65 years old and married for 30 years. The marriage is not perfect but I thought that we were committed to making it work. I am not naive. My husband has strayed on several occasions. He even has children outside that he refuses to tell me about. However, I thought we would have passed that stage. I have now found out that he has a mistress and he is very arrogant and abusive whenever I try to find out what is going on about her. He tells me to look at the bigger picture, and that he is home every day. I feel betrayed and used. He is behaving like nothing is wrong. I am having sleepless nights. I believed in this man. My world is falling apart, especially since he has always accused me of having affairs. I am confused. He reads your column every day. Please help.

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy Wife

Your husband told you to "look at the bigger picture." Have you figured out what he means? I think he is trying to say that you know that he is a bad man, and although he has had other women with you, very unfaithful to you, he considers you special. And it is because you are special why he comes home every day. He is not saying that he is a saint. He is trying to say that no matter where he roams, you can expect him to come home. No woman is going to take him away from you, so to speak. Whether you know it or not, this is the way your husband believes he is giving you words of comfort and assurance. Having said the above, let me hasten to say that it is unfortunate that your husband has not been making any effort to strengthen the relationship. Instead of spending time with other women he should be spending more time with you, and both of you should go out and enjoy movies and plays, etc. I do not want you to fret over this man. I do not believe he wants to end this marriage. He is just a wild man who does not believe that one woman is enough for him. He is 65 years old. So all the things you might hear about him might be true and some might not be true. Keep cool. Don't press him to tell you anything about the other woman. However, when it comes to sex, make sure you have condoms at the house. Don't have unprotected sex with him, and tell him why. But don't refuse to have sex with him. If you do it will drive him to the other woman, and then he would say that it is your fault that he has to seek sexual gratification outside of the marriage union.

Ask him whether he would be willing for both of you to go and see a family counsellor. If he does not agree, don't push the issue.

Pastor