Cheating husband turns me off from sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 42 years old. I am married, but my relationship is rocky. I have three children by my husband and my husband went out and had two more children with two other women. He is 49 years old. Because of my religion I cannot divorce him.

When he had the first outside child, I was determined to divorce him, but my bishop discouraged me and said that if I divorced him I could not take communion or get married again, so I threw my life into my work. I am a businesswoman. I have stayed with my husband. I have never cheated on him. He said that what he has done is not cheating because I know that he loves me and he told me from the beginning that he wanted more children.

I did not want any more children, so he went out; and the first time he went out he told me. When the girl told him that she was pregnant, he told me. He did not tell her that he was married.

Two years after, he got another girl pregnant. That was when I decided that I would build my own house, because these two outside children should not come into my house and be counted as part of my family.

I told my husband that because of the church I cannot divorce him, but I will leave him as soon as my house is finished. My husband said that he has stopped having sex with other women, so I should resume having sex with him. I have made mistakes in the past, but I don't want to make the mistake in showing my husband love again and get hurt.

FEELING GUILTY

He is a great father to his children, but I am hurt by what he did to me. When I don't give him sex, I feel guilty and he said that I am pushing him to go to other women. When he tries to hug me, I feel dirty because I do not know whether he is having sex with clean women or prostitutes. I am preparing myself to leave the house that both of us have shared and move into this new place that I am building. It would be my place for my children and myself. When I first started building the house, my husband told me that I could have put the money to better use. Now he comes around and gives suggestions. He says that when the house is finished, I would not be able to stop him from sleeping there. I do not want my husband there.

Sometimes I feel for sex and I say to myself I'll try to have sex with him, but when he comes into the bed, I get turned off. Am I wrong not to allow him to touch me?

D.R.

Dear D.R.,

Let me congratulate you for taking on such a major project of building your house without the financial assistance of your husband. You said that you are a businesswoman, evidently you have saved your money and you are determined to do what you believe is necessary to protect yourself and your children and to secure a good future and live a peaceful life.

Your church has taken a very hard line and if you did not love or respect your church, you would have divorced your husband a long time ago. Some churches give the impression that they are not concerned about the happiness of their members.

The question some of these ministers should ask themselves is whether God would hold a person guilty for doing what is right. What would make it wrong for divorcing a spouse who is guilty of adultery and who shows no remorse at all? Where in the Bible can they defend such a behaviour? I wish you well as you build your house.

Concerning the struggle you are having when it comes to sex; you find it difficult to relate to your husband sexually because you have not yet forgiven him for his immoral conduct. And you are concerned (I am sure) whether this man may pass on STIs to you. Of course, you are aware that he can use your refusal to have sex with him as one of the reasons why he is having affairs. I suggest, therefore, that the both of you make an appointment with a family counsellor and discuss these issues.

Pastor