Babyfather can’t compare to my long-time boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am a 28-year-old woman. I met this guy when I was 16 in a chat room and from that day, there has been a connection between us until this day.

We share everything and anything. It is like we both were going through the same challenges at the time.

We would counsel each other. He was my saviour, and I was his. I don’t know how to explain what we had, but it just came naturally. I have never felt this way about anyone before.

I met someone else during that time and I broke it off with the first guy, because he was living too far away. That second relationship didn’t last more than a year.

I was so devastated about that mistake that I told myself I would never give my heart to anyone again.

I was ashamed to go back to the first guy because of how I broke his heart. Even now, I still haven’t forgiven myself for it.

Years have passed, but there has never been a day or night that I don’t think about him. I couldn’t sleep at nights unless I sent him a message telling him how much I loved him.

I later met another guy who was older. He took very good care of me. I began to like him, but no matter how he did everything to make me happy, I just couldn’t love him.

Sometimes he would do some things that women wouldn’t normally accept, but I pretended for years that I was fine with it; but I wasn’t.

Verbally, he gets very abusive. I stayed with him, thinking I could change how I felt. And because I was afraid to leave, not knowing what to expect out there now, I had children for him.

But that still doesn’t make me love him. He wants to marry me, but I don’t want to; it’s just not where my heart is. He said that I don’t love him, and it’s the truth.

I don’t connect with him like how I connect with my teen lover; and the funny thing is, no matter what happened, we always found each other.

We still keep in touch and want to go forward, but I’m just afraid. Day and night when I should be sleeping, I’m in a corner crying, feeling lonely and confused, and not knowing what to do.

We both feel the same way about each other from teenage years, and even now it has not changed.

I am myself around him, and he is the same around me. We are like best friends and lovers. I’m just tired of lying to myself; I just want to be free mentally. I need some advice.

A.S.

Dear A.S.,

You have lied to this older man for years and you have tried to lie to yourself. What you didn’t understand is that no one can lie to himself or herself.

You have been successful in fooling the older man to the extent that you have had children by him. But he now knows for sure that you don’t love him.

You would do anything possible to be with your childhood sweetheart. It is not surprising that you have tried to meet with him as often as possible.

How long would you pretend that you love your children’s father? You need money to support the children. But I am going to tell you the truth; you are very wicked to yourself.

Your conscience is not free. You are not only punishing the much older man, you are punishing yourself.

You need to go and find yourself a job so that you can support yourself. If the time comes that this older man and you must go your separate ways, you will be able to buy bread.

Your childhood sweetheart may not want you at that time because you would be carrying ‘baggage’.

He might not be prepared to take you back because you have children, and he might not want to support them.

I hope that women reading your letter today would always remember that it is always better to be truthful to one’s self and not to lie to any man, because whatever one does, it may catch up on them. I wish you well.

Pastor