Daughter thinks I caused her to be molested

Dear Pastor,

I wrote to you in 2018 about my child's father, who stopped our daughter from communicating with me. Over the years, the situation did not get better until a couple of weeks ago.

But things have got worse now because of the coronavirus. I get worried; therefore, I decided that I would call to check up on our child.

But I couldn't get through to her because she blocked me; I don't know why.

A week after, she called me and I was happy to hear her voice. She is 16 now. I called her each day and we talked about what I missed out on. These days I cherish talking to her.

She got baptised and is practising Christianity, but things don't go well between us all the time. Sometime I will call her and she doesn't want to talk to me.

I think she might be having a bad day. I tell her on a regular basis that I love her very much, and she would say she knows that.

I missed out on a lot of stuff with her. During these times, she was just pretending to want to talk to me or someone telling her to call me.

She doesn't love me 100 per cent. She said that I caused a friend to molest her when she was younger. I know about this situation, and I dealt with it more than four years now, but she is still thinking about it and throwing it in my face.

We talked about it and I apologised a 100 times, but she has never got over it. This hurts me deeply. I am depressed.

She has developed hatred in her heart towards me because she says I didn't do anything about it, which I did. At the time, we were living together as a family.

Her father sent me to deal with it, and I did. She didn't tell me about it the same time it happened. A month later, she told a cousin, and I heard about it and dealt with it.

The guy who molested her was about three years older than her. It has affected my daughter mentally and psychologically. It has also affected our relationship as mother and daughter. She says that she has forgiven me and she loves me, but I don't think she has moved on. I am stressed out.

My head hurts and I find it difficult to eat and sleep. I pray that God will help me to keep my sanity. I would appreciate your comment.

A.R.

Dear A.R.,

Although the relationship with yourself and your daughter is rocky, I am glad that both of you do communicate. Your daughter feels that you were the cause why she was molested.

You are excusing yourself by saying that you did not know that she was molested.

The issue is not so much that you were not aware. What your daughter is trying to say is that you allowed someone to molest her because of the situation in which she found herself.

In other words, she is trying to say that you did not protect her. You exposed her to danger. You think that by now your daughter would have overcome the abuse, but she hasn't.

Every time she thinks about what happened to her, she is inclined to blame you. Perhaps her father is blaming you, too.

However, as I see it, you have been trying to reach out to your daughter, but you cannot do so alone. I am therefore suggesting that you tell your daughter that you are willing to take the blame for everything that has happened to her; but you are longing to have a better relationship with her. Therefore, you are suggesting that both of you go to see a family counsellor for professional help.

Beg her to agree to go with you, and then call a family counsellor and make the appointment. My prayers are with you. If I can be of further help to you, please let me know.

Pastor