Sharing a man who is twice my age

Dear Pastor,

I am 17 years old and I have a male friend who is 39 years old. He took my virginity and I love him very much. My parents did not care about me. My mother has always worked in a bar, and from I was a baby, she had me in the bar with her. She did not own the bar. She worked with the owner.

I can remember at the age of seven, the owner of the bar came and told her to lock up. He dragged her into the bathroom and beat her, and accused her of keeping a man with him. When she opened the door and tried to get out, he slapped her, and she said to him, 'yuh a beat mi before mi daughta?' My mother could not go to work for a week because her face was swollen. But he visited her every day and brought food for her.

My mother sent me to live with my grandparents. I hardly went to school, but the teachers loved me and tried to help me. I have three Caribbean Secondary Education Certificate (CSEC) subjects.

I met this man one year ago, and I like him. He treats me very good and is sending me back to school. He is very jealous. I don't need anything as he gives me everything. I asked him how he could love me when he has a woman at home, and he told me that was not my business.

I do not have to take the bus to go to school as he pays for a taxi to take me to and from school. I told him that when I am 18, the only way I will stay with him is if he leaves the woman that he has at home. I am not sure how that will go. When I don't see him, it is as if I am going crazy as I love him so much.

My grandparents know him, but they do not know he is so old. When we want to have sex, he takes me to a particular place.

I am not asking you if I should leave him. I know I cannot. I have never cheated on him. My mother is still working in the bar and sometimes I go to see her and give her money. She asked where I got the money from and I told her it was from my boyfriend, but she does not know him.

E.

Dear E.,

I am not going to condemn you. Your mother was very careless. She continues to be an irresponsible woman. You witnessed her being beaten by her man, who was also her employer. You heard the accusation he made and that was, she was keeping another man with him. You saw how she was battered and unable to go to work, and to this very day, she is with that man who beat her.

Your grandparents were unable to send you to school regularly. But there was something very good in you, because although you could not go to school often, you were able to gain three CSEC subjects. So, my suggestion to you now is to set some goals, decide what you want to do or become in life, whether a teacher, nurse, lawyer, etc., and work towards that goal.

I know you are still a child, but very soon you will be an adult. You have experiences that many girls your age do not have. This man with whom you are having an intimate relationship knows that you are at his mercy, so to speak, and if you do not have sex with him, he is likely to withdraw his help. Although you have warned him that you would leave him if he does not end the relationship he has with the woman he lives with, he does not take you seriously.

You know within your heart that you would not be able to do so easily, because if you were to leave him, it is likely that you would have to find another man or get yourself a job. At the moment, you are in a dilemma but the thing to do is study hard, save some of the money this man gives you and aim high.

Try to avoid getting pregnant because getting pregnant would affect your studies, and the very man who got you pregnant might not treat you as well or admit to or accept paternity of the child.

Be careful what you do with your life.

Pastor