Told my mean boyfriend ‘no money, no sex’

Dear Pastor,

I am 35 and I am having a relationship with a 30-year-old man. He is very mean. He does not like to spend money, but we have been together for three years.

He is the fifth man I have had a relationship with, but I told myself that I did not want to move from man to man. So I am going to stay with him.

He listens to people too much. His parents and other relatives love me, but I can't stand his meanness. If he takes me out, I cannot choose what I want to eat. If I try, he would say choose something else because what I want costs too much. One day, I wanted to go to a certain place.

This was before COVID-19, so I walked with my own money and, when it was time to order, I ordered my own meal and he was trying to tell me "No, choose something else". I told him that was what I wanted. I paid for my own meal.

He took me home and wanted to make love. He tried to touch me and I got up from the bed and put on a very tight jeans. I told him, if he touched me, it was going to be murder.

He asked me what I meant. I told him exactly what that meant. I told him it was the devil in me. I told him I did not want him in my life anymore because he was too mean, and if he wanted me, he had to pay his way. I reminded him that I have been faithful to him, yet he has been very mean to me.

So I told him that I would start sleeping in jeans and he should not touch me. He went into his pants pocket and took out the amount of money I paid for the dinner and promised me that he would change.

But he told his relatives that I was wicked. I told them that things could never be the same between us. I had bought a dress for the wedding, and I sold it. These days, he has been trying to come around, but I know what he wants and I am holding out on him.

I am going to be like some women who have been living with mean men and they have declared 'no money, no sex'. I never thought I would have come to that place but that is how it is.

Please for your comments.

J.K.

Dear J.K.,

You have a very controlling man. He tells you what you should and should not do, what you should eat and where you should go. You have obeyed him so he has taken you for granted.

It is not everywhere that a woman wants to go that a man can take her, especially if it is a very pricey place. However, when a man is planning to give his woman a treat by taking her to a very lovely restaurant, he should plan for that and she should be allowed to choose her meal.

Evidently you got fed up of this man's meanness, so you had your own money, and when he was fooling himself by telling you what you should order, you insisted that what you ordered is what you wanted, and you paid for your meal. The drama continued when you went home and the man wanted you to give him some comfort. You were prepared to shock him so you got into your jeans and 'blocked' him. That was the worst thing you could have done to this man.

It seems as if women have learnt from each other by wearing very tight jeans when they do not want men to have sex with them. Of course, some men could get into big fights with their women when they are determined to have their way with them. I would not encourage any man to abuse his woman when she says no. He should leave her alone.

I think it is time for both of you to go and see a counsellor, because, although you knew that this man was mean, you stayed with him for three years. He was planning to marry you and the wedding dress was already bought. So that tells me that you loved him. It is only his meanness that is bothering you. So both of you should make an appointment to see a counsellor and discuss this matter.

I want to wish you well. Let me hear from you again.

Pastor