Want to leave my husband for a younger man

Dear Pastor,

I am 40 and I have three children. My husband left me and went to live abroad. We have two children, but he took me when I had one child. That child is living with his father.

After I had my first child, I became very active in the church, where I met my future husband. After two years, we decided to get married because it was rumoured that we were sleeping together. So we got married in a very quiet ceremony. He is 10 years older than I am. He went away to the US and promised that he would return. He came back, but returned to the US. So, over the years he just has not settled down.

One day he called me and said he was told that I have another man. I told him that was untrue. But I was stealing love on the side because there were times when I felt for a man.

I could not admit that to him. What is troubling is that this guy who I am having sex with is seven years younger than I am and he is always willing to assist me financially. He is out of school, but I used to help him, so he said he cannot be ungrateful.

I do not believe that my husband heard anything about any man because I am very careful, and I do not go anywhere with this young man. I do not even allow him to drive my car.

MY DECISION

He calls me 'Miss'. He has a good job and he still lives with his parents. I asked him what he is going to do. He told me it's all about what I am going to do, because I am the one who is married.

The people in the yard we live in do not know that we are having a relationship. But this guy is so sweet. My husband told me that he will have to divorce me so as to get himself proper status. I don't think that I can learn to love my husband again. It is hard, Pastor, but my mind is changed from him. But I get along very well with his relatives.

One is a farmer and when he comes to Kingston, he brings me produce from his farm. I am hoping that very soon I'll be able to build a house on a piece of land that my uncle gave me. I can't do it alone. This young fellow can help me. But I don't want to take his money, because one day we may have to break up.

L.B.

Dear L.B.,

You have not said why your husband is living abroad. I could only assume that he has got a job up there and he is earning much more than he would be earning in Jamaica.

He probably does not want to give up that job and return to Jamaica. But while he is there you are suffering emotionally, psychologically and otherwise. Could he be so naive to believe that you are here and remaining absolutely true to him when he has not even given you an idea about when he would return to Jamaica, and both of you would live as husband and wife?

Now, let me add quickly. I am not saying that his being away is an excuse for you to become sexually involved with another man. But he knows that was a possibility, that is why he asked you if you were involved.

NOT A WISE CHOICE

You said you are being careful about the relationship that you are having with this young man and you do not even allow him to drive your car. What would happen if your husband was to suddenly show up one day when you were not expecting him? How old are your children by the way? Aren't you afraid that your husband would question your children sometimes about whether a man is at the house? What I am trying to say is that I don't believe that it is wise for you to be involved with another man.

Perhaps you should discuss with your husband about how many months he would be away and whether both of you should consider getting a divorce. In that way, you would free up each other. And you could consider whether you can marry this younger man and set your husband free to do whatever he wants to do. I hope I am not putting bad thoughts in your mind.

Pastor