Having sex with my boyfriend was difficult

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am a 21-year-old woman. My boyfriend is also 21. I love this guy so much. We are planning to get married as soon as we clear up some problems.

Pastor, both of us are in debt. He is from a poor family and I am also from a poor family. We tried to have sex one day but we did not go all the way because I was so tense so I asked him to stop. I started to cry so he slapped me and got up from the bed. I told him he should not get angry with me, and that he should remember that it was my first time.

He told me that the next time we tried to have sex, he would not be as patient. He said he would have a towel to stick in my mouth so that even if I cried, nobody would hear me.

I have never seen my boyfriend so annoyed when I told him we should stop, and we could try again another time. This is my boyfriend and I don't want to lose him. He grumbled for the rest of the evening. At one point I told him 'come let's try again'. He said he had changed his mind. I don't want you to think that we did not try again. We did.

I told my boyfriend that I want to wait until we are married for us to have sex and he said that he was not buying 'puss inna bag'.

I am no counsellor but I think every girl should be prepared for sex. My boyfriend felt that I was going to give him trouble the second time around so he had alcohol. He gave me some wine before we actually tried again. Now we have planned our wedding for next August. I hope that you would be available to officiate for us.

M.

Dear M.,

I refuse to publish everything you have said in your letter. Some women experience severe pain when they are having sex for the first time. Others do not. Sometimes this pain is as a result of a condition that is called vaginismus. But I said some women. The majority of women, though, might experience pain out of fear and evidently that was your situation.

I am glad that this guy and you are planning to get married. I would like to encourage both of you to start reading good books about marriage, love, relationship and sex, anything you can find.

Sex is not something you should be afraid of. It is for procreation and pleasure. Some people only think that sex is for procreation only. It is not. It is also for pleasure. When you get married, your husband and yourself will learn to enjoy each other and not be ashamed of each other. I shall be very happy to officiate at your wedding when the time comes. I expect you, therefore, to call me sometime in the new year so that we could meet.

Pastor