I don’t know how to trust men

Dear Pastor,

I am 28 years old. I do not have any children. My boyfriend and I separated, and I finally gave up on him because he wanted to control me. I had no freedom. He wanted to know every move I made. Most of my friends are guys, and he did not like that.

One time he accused me of having a relationship with my brother-in-law because my brother-in-law's car was not working well, and I allowed him to use my car until his car became functional. My boyfriend went and asked my brother-in-law whether we had something going, and my brother-in-law became very upset. They almost got into a fight, so I told my boyfriend that that was the end of our relationship.

Recently, I met a man. He is two years older than I am. We are having a visiting relationship. He comes to see me on weekends, and I do not allow him to stay longer than 9 p.m. He is very smart. I do want not anything from him. I am an independent woman. I have two sisters who are married. I would like to get married, but trusting him is a big issue. My sisters told me that I should not judge all men by the behaviour of my ex-boyfriend.

Please try and help me learn how to forgive and to trust men.

R.E.

Dear R.E.,

The relationship that you had with your boyfriend was not founded on love. He might have told you that he loved you, but if he had loved you, he did not trust you. If h e had loved you, he would not be accusing you of having a relationship with other men, including your brother- in- law. You made the right decision when you asked him to go, and no woman should be under pressure to answer a man about her whereabouts every day. Women should know what to tell a man and what not to tell a man. In fact, you had a car, and your brother-in-law had run into difficulties and needed you. You don't have to ask your boyfriend permission to help your brother-in-law. Your boyfriend was very silly, and you were not hoping to marry such a foolish man.

You are an independent woman, and it is time for men to realise that they have to love women who are independent and take them as equals.

When a woman is friendly with a man and the woman is going out, she does not have to ask his permission, she merely informs him that she is going out. But some men would like to know where she is going, with whom is she going, etc. Couples who enjoy good communication know that informing your man that you're going out is good enough. This man questioned you about everything because he does not really trust you, and the truth is, he did not trust you, and he does not trust himself either, so you are quite correct for kicking him out of your life.

You have another relationship, and it is new, so get to know this man. Do not allow him to feel that you are a pushover. Communication can be a big issue in a relationship, so both of you should learn how to communicate well. Respect him and tell him that you expect him to respect you. Do not tell him everything about yourself. Trust takes time. A good relationship takes time.

Pastor