My wife is too boring in bed

Dear Pastor,

My wife and I are Christians and I am tired of the same routine all the time. She does not even believe that she should change up the room. We are sharing house with one of her sisters.

The only thing that we really share is the kitchen. When I try to play with my wife, she reminds me that her sister is in the other room. I bought some lingerie for her and she does not wear them. She told me that I should be ashamed to purchase those things, because a Christian shouldn't be wearing them. One night I dragged her off the bed and tried to make love to her on the floor; she accused me of trying to kill her. She believes in the missionary position and, Pastor, my wife is only 24. I am tempted to go with other women. I am tired of her foolishness.

I met this woman in the Church, but she was not a virgin. We did not go to bed until we were married because our pastor preached about fornication, so we waited until we were married.

The first night I tried to uncover her, she pulled the sheet over herself and told me I shouldn't be looking at her. I started to wonder if something was wrong with her. It is only recently that I can stare at her without getting her angry, but she wants sex the same way every time. I wish you could meet with us. She is a lovely woman, but I can't deal with her behaviour sometimes.

J.J.

Dear J.J.,

First of all, let me begin by saying that I am glad you and your wife are Christians, but evidently, you did not have premarital counselling before you got married.

If you had counselling with a competent family counsellor, you wouldn't have all these problems that you are having now with your dear wife, whom I believe means well. Your letter reminds me of a brother I met in Pennsylvania who thought that he was so holy that he bragged about being married for a number of years but had never seen his wife in the nude.

We all laughed at him; but a woman who was married to a Christian man said she has never seen her husband's nakedness, either. He goes to the bathroom and he has his shower, he comes back and goes on the bed under his sheet. I say to you without apology, anybody who does that is going to have serious problems, and this foolishness will cause cheating and separation.

When I was in the seminary and studying counselling, one of the books we used was about what you needed to know to be married and how to stay married. The very Bible people quote so often says that "there is a time for everything under the sun". God does not expect you to have a boring sex life. I don't expect you to 'ruff up' your wife, but to gently show her that she is the most beautiful woman in the world, and you need to enjoy her. You may have to go into the bathroom with her occasionally and help her prepare herself for good lovemaking.

Too bad that she thought that Christians do not wear lingerie. She is talking nonsense. She needs help. So hear me now, try and make an appointment for both of you to see a family counsellor. But don't leave your wife; stay with her. Teach her to make love, not just to have sex. You have not yet discovered the spots on her body that would turn her on. I hope that very soon you will. Sex does not have to be boring at all.

Dr EJ Daniels wrote a book, How To Be Happily Married. It was a best seller. I recommend that book to you. In that book he says, "the satisfying of the sex life of the companion is part of the marriage obligation". A normal sex life is essential. I think I have said enough.

Pastor