Teen daughter won’t say who got her pregnant

Dear Pastor,

I am writing you for your advice. My husband and I have a son together. He also has a daughter. When I met my husband, he told me about his daughter and he asked me if I would agree for her to come and live with us after we were married. I told him I didn't have any objection. The child was only three years old. Her mother was eager to give her up because she was living in the ghetto, and she did not want the child to grow up there. I treated the child as my own. She calls me Mom.

We sent her to prep school and she got into a traditional high school. Unless one knew me before I married her father, they would not know that she is not my biological daughter. People even say that she behave like me and talks like me. Her father is very loving. He takes her every where he can. She is very privileged. She has her own bedroom and everything to her comfort. She has never taken the bus to go to school. We give her everything she wants. She likes music, so, for her 16th birthday, her father bought her a piano. She is very bright. Her grades were good. I was not suspicious of anything. When she comes home, she would go into her room and stay there. She does a lot of work online. She has her school friends sleep over sometimes.

I know she likes boys but I did not know that she has a steady boyfriend. To cut a long story short, she wasn't feeling well and I asked her what was the problem and she couldn't say. Her father became very concerned and told me to take her to the doctor and I did. It was then that I got the shock of my life. This 17 year-old-girl, the doctor told me, is pregnant.

I told her father what the doctor said and he did not believe me. He went into her room and asked her to explain herself to him, and all she did was to cry. He told her that she will always be his daughter but he wanted to know the truth. He was with her for hours asking her who got her pregnant but she would not say. He asked her if he knew the man but she didn't answer.

My husband is not a drinker but that evening he had two shots of whiskey and told me that if she refuses to talk to him he is going to beat the child out of her. I calmed him and told him that he was talking nonsense. Finally, he went to the bathroom and had his shower and went to bed. The following day, he told her that, whenever she was ready to talk, she should come to him. She has not gone to talk to her father, and I have asked her many times who have got her pregnant but she has not told me. I asked her the age of the man and she hasn't answered. I also asked her if he is a relative or a friend of her father and she hasn't answered. My husband says that he is planning to send her away to stay with a relative in Florida. When we told her, she said she does not want to go. We feel disappointed in her. We do not know what to do. A couple of her friends have been to see her and she told them that she is pregnant, but they have not told me whether they know who got her pregnant.

Pastor, have you ever dealt with anything like this, where a girl is pregnant but refuses to say who is responsible for her pregnancy? I hope you will take the time to answer me and give me your advice.

C.

Dear C.,

I am glad that you and your husband have been able to give this young lady a good home and have provided for her all the necessities. According to you, she was treated well. She grew up as a privileged girl, but evidently she has made a big mistake and, at 17, she has gotten pregnant. She has disappointed her father and you, but she is making the stress that you are enduring much more burdensome because she has refused to devolve the name of the man who impregnated her.

She has passed the age of consent, but she should be willing to say whether she was raped or forced to have sex, or whether the person is a relative or her teacher or a public figure, etc. Her silence indicates that she is trying to prevent the man who got her pregnant from getting into trouble. One cannot say how long she will keep this secret, but whoever this man is, as parents you should know because this man should step forward and provide all the necessities for the birth of the child.

I am glad your husband has not hurt or physically abused his beloved daughter, but it must be very difficult for him. I could only assure you that the time will come when this young lady will speak. You should constantly assure her that you love her and encourage her father to assure her of his love. She does not want to go to Florida, but she has to understand that her father is having a difficult time dealing with the situation, so her going away for a little while is not a bad idea.

Your daughter should also be told that, if she is afraid to give the name of the person who got her pregnant verbally, she can write a letter to both her father and yourself and explain the entire situation. I am suggesting that she go and see a family counsellor and discuss the situation in which she has found herself. A professional will not condemn her in any way, and she can talk with that person in the strictest confidence.

You ask me whether I have dealt with any matter like this, and the answer is yes. Women have told me the names of men that got them pregnant and I have never devolved that name to anyone. Some of these men are in high positions and are very prominent in society.

Pastor