I want to get married to keep my boyfriend

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old, and a regular reader of your column. My parents have four children and I am their only daughter. I am my father's pet, at least that is what my mother says. My brothers treat me in a special way. My brothers give me anything I ask them for. Two of my brothers attended university, but my parents were not able to convince one brother to get a tertiary-level education. He is in the entertainment business. Right now he is abroad and he has an American girlfriend. She is assisting him. She comes from a middle-class family. She is encouraging him to go back to school.

The problem that I am writing to you about has to do with my boyfriend. He is 24 years old and he wants us to get married. My folks don't want me to get married so young. He says that he doesn't want to run around and he likes having sex. We have had sex many times, but I have never slept out. He has his own place. We have sex during the daytime, but we go to some of the cheap hotels. One day when he took me to one of them, one of the girls who worked at the hotel recognised me and called me by my name. She even said: "I didn't know you come to these places." I was embarrassed. My boyfriend told her to mind her own business.

I am really worried about the relationship I am having because my boyfriend told me that there is a girl who likes him. I asked him if he likes her, too, and he said yes, but not in the same way he likes me. He said that she came to visit him and she forced him to go to bed with her. He said that he felt guilty about having sex with her, so that is the reason he told me about it.

I have a good job, but my desire is to be a lawyer. Everybody in my family is discouraging me from getting married now. I want to get married because I don't want to lose my boyfriend, and the way things are going now, I may lose him. So, I am asking for your advice.

My father told me that my boyfriend wants to get married to me now because I want to become a lawyer. I don't know what to believe. Sometimes at nights when he calls me or I call him, he wants me to do phone sex with him. It is so weird.

Please for your advice.

S.

Dear S.,

Let me begin by thanking you for your letter. I am pleased to know that you have a very good relationship with your parents and siblings. You feel special because you are your parents' only daughter and in everything your brothers look out for you. I can see that your parents believe in education and they want the best for their children. I wish we had more parents like yours.

Concerning your boyfriend, he has embarrassed you by encouraging you to go with him to these motels to have sex. He did not force you, but there is where he took you. He has not taken you to his place for a reason you did not disclose. Perhaps he didn't want the neighbours to see him taking a woman to his palace during the day. And, perhaps he is sharing a house with others. Well, let me not go further with that.

The girl who works at this particular hotel this guy took you to was surprised to see you there because she believed that only certain women go to that 'type' of hotel. Your boyfriend was correct when he told her to mind her business. But, I could understand how embarrassed you felt.

This young man is eager for both of you to get married. His desire to get married is to be in the position to have sex every time he wishes to do so. The relationship, it appears, is being built on sex and that is not good. Sex, indeed, is a part of a marriage, but if the relationship is only on sex, it will not last. It is going to crash because when a union is built on sex, the couple may get tired of each other and would try someone else after a while. Already your boyfriend has admitted that he has had sex with another girl who visited him. I must tell you that I don't believe what your boyfriend told you. He sees you as a naive girl; he could not take you to his house but another girl went there to see him.

According to him, she forced him to have sex with her. Don't believe that nonsense. This girl didn't force him to have sex with her, he wanted to have sex with her and that's why they did so.

I am going to tell you now, that although you love this man very much, you should tell him again that you are not ready to get married. If it's because he wants to have sex with you that he wants to marry you, then you should bring an end to the relationship.

You want to be a lawyer, so do what you know you have to do and get yourself an education. I have often said that a girl can lose on a man, but she cannot lose on her education. I hope you understand what I have said. I wish you well.

Pastor.