Boyfriend still living with his ex

November 29, 2021

Dear Pastor,

I am 37 and I am a single mom of two. My mom passed away and left me in the house with a small grocery shop. I was single for about two years.

I started talking to a guy who I have known for about 11 years. We were never in a serious relationship, but we loved and cared for each other very much. We started talking again about six months ago.

When he started coming around it was supposed to be for work, but we ended up in bed together. He lives in Kingston and I live in Spanish Town. When we started sleeping together, I told him exactly what I wanted. He promised me that he was going to be a good man. Whenever he left for his home, I noticed that hours would go by without any communication. One day he messaged me and told me that he was involved with a woman. He said they were no longer together, but she is still living with him. He told me that she was there for him when all he wanted to do was to die and that she had nowhere else to go. I listened and I didn't curse him.

Pastor, this man does construction and odd jobs. I pay my bills; I do everything for myself. When he is here, he is served breakfast, lunch and dinner. I wash his clothes and make sure he is comfortable. Pastor, don't get me wrong, he has done a lot of work on my house for which I pay for all the materials. My daughter loves him and he has a good relationship with my son.

This man and I are the same age but he has little to no reasoning ability. He barely communicates with me. If I ask him a question, he gets very defensive and curses. He knows it's just me and my children and I run a small business here, so having a male presence around would be very reassuring for me. He complains that all I want is a 'shop boy' to sit at my feet every day and lock up in the house like a prisoner. But that is not so, Pastor. I told him that I don't care if he goes to town everyday to sit on the street side and pretend as if he goes to work, just as long as he comes home at night. That's all I requested of him. He said that he is very uncomfortable at his house with the woman, yet he insists on going there and sleeping over for several nights. He claims that his tools are there and he needs to protect his things.

When we get into arguments, he says I am pressuring him. Which man doesn't want to come home to a clean house, a hot dinner and a loving woman every night? I got pregnant by him and I thought this man would change. But he got worse. I lost the baby. When I told him I had a miscarriage, he ignored me for the whole night. I told him I don't want to be with him anymore because he doesn't love me. He said he loves me and he wants to marry me and he and this woman are not together.

I spoke to the woman and she said they have broken up, but something doesn't add up. I am confused. I don't know if I should just move on because I feel like I am holding on to nothing. Am I wasting my time?


Dear S.M.,

You are behaving as if this man is a bad man and you are a saint. Well, I am here to tell you that you are not a saint. But you are not behaving as a woman who has common sense. How can you not see that you are in a relationship that is not good and that this man does not truly love you? He is not the only one who needs to see a professional counsellor. You need professional help, also. You are wasting your time with this man. You are trying to buy his love and love cannot be bought. The man has no respect for you. How come you can't see that?

The man has another woman and she is at his house. Why do you think that he has to come and stay with you and sleep at your house? You are very naive. If you want to continue to make yourself a fool, you can continue in the relationship with him. But if you mean yourself well, you should tell this man to go. You are paying all your bills and even when you ask him to help you in the shop, he complains. You have to decide what you want to do but as I see it, there is no future with this man.


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