Cousin got me pregnant at 17 - ... But my boyfriend does not know that I am a mother

Dear Pastor,

I don't know if you have counselled anybody with my type of problem. I am 24 years old and I am from the country, but I am living in Kingston. I grew up in deep rural Jamaica.

My parents were very poor. We had outside pit toilet and no running water. My father had lots of outside children, but only two with my mother. He is a farmer. He worked hard. Many women loved him because he was very kind. As children, we used to hear my mother pleading with him not to go out so much at nights, but my mother loved him and he loved her. He took care of us.

When I was 17, I became pregnant by one of my cousins. He had to run away from the district because he forced me to have sex. It happened when I asked him to accompany me to the shop. When we got to a bridge, he held me there and forced himself on me. I did not report him to my parents. I was afraid of what would happen and I was not sure whether my parents would believe me. So, it was after my stomach started to show that I told them whose baby I was carrying. I have not seen that cousin since then. I heard that he has gone to live in America.

NEVER ASKED IF I HAVE CHILDREN

I was accepted in a college in Kingston, so I left the baby with my mother. My parents love him. My big problem is that I have never told any of my friends in Kingston that I have a child. Since I have been working, my child has never come to stay with me. I visit the country and spend time with him and with my parents. But I have never taken him to Kingston.

I am now in love with a man. He is 30. We get along very well. He treats me like a lady. He has never asked me if I have any children. I suppose he has taken it for granted that I do not have any. He told me that he has fathered two children and they are living with their mothers. I was hoping that he would ask me if I have children, but since he didn't, I did not volunteer any information. He said he is hoping that we can get married.

Since I have been living in Kingston, I have not had any other man but this guy. I don't know how he will react if I should tell him that I have a child. He met my parents when they came to my graduation, but I have never taken him home to the country. Pastor, please tell me what to do. Whatever you advise, I will do.

R.

Dear R.,

You should have told this man that you have a child soon after you got into a very committed relationship. Now you have made it a little difficult to inform him. I suppose that you believe that if you had told him about the child, he would like to know who is the father and where he is. To save yourself from embarrassment, you have not said anything about the child or his father. It is not too late for you to tell this man the truth.

You need not be embarrassed. You don't have to tell him that you were raped, at least not in so many words. You can mention that having sex with the man who got you pregnant was not consensual.

You may have to beg this man to forgive you for not telling him early in the relationship that you are a mother. You can't be sure about his reaction. But be prepared for anything.

You have never told your friends that you have a child. But that is not crucial; don't be bothered about that. I wish you well. Let me hear from you again.

Pastor