Afraid to leave my abusive husband - I fear he may beat me again or do even worse

Dear Pastor,

I am almost 40 and my husband is 49. I have been married to him for almost 18 years. We have been together for 20 years and we have two children, ages six and 17.

We have been through a lot together, including the death of our first child soon after we got married. At the time we were both broke.

We have been living in the US for over 12 years and we are now in a much better situation financially as he is running a business. But when he does not get his way or I don't agree with him, he has fits of rage. The latest incident happened a week ago where he started a ridiculous argument about a small household item. He got into a rage saying that I never listen to him. He hit me in my face, burst my lip and then proceeded to choke me. He even told me that he was going to kill me. The older child jumped in and got him off of me, at which point he dragged me off the bed by my feet. I injured my back, shoulder and head. I was in shock. All I could think was this is the day I am going to die and leave my children. I spent the weekend at his mother's house.

FORGIVEN HIM

Pastor, this is not the first time that the older child has had to pull him off me or where I have been either verbally or physically abused in front of our children. All these years I have stood by his side. I supported him through thick and thin and I have forgiven him multiple times for cheating. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells. He never apologises for anything and blames his angry reaction on me. As supportive as I have been, I feel like I can't do enough to please him and I can't take it any more. I have suggested that we should go to counselling but he claims nobody is going to tell him how to live his life. What he doesn't realise is that with each incident, I love him less.

I feel empty. Sometimes I can't sleep. If I do sleep, I wake up in a panic. I try not to let it show how much I fear being alone in the same room with him. I want to leave him. I work full-time but I don't make enough to afford a place on my own in the state in which we currently live. So I would have to move away. That would also mean being away from my older child who will be going to college soon. I do not have any relatives here and while his family supports me in my time of pain, they're his family, not mine. I have not spoken to him much since the last incident and I don't even know how to approach him about leaving. I want to do it the right way for the sake of the children, but I fear I may end up getting beaten again or worse. Knowing the type of person he is, if for some miracle he agrees that we should break up, I am afraid that he might not support the children, especially the older child.

Pastor, what do I do?

C.F.

Dear C.F.,

You have already made up your mind to leave this man. Your biggest concern right now is whether you should tell him that you are leaving and whether he would support his children.

You have suggested that both of you seek professional help by going to see a family counsellor or psychologist, but he is not interested. Therefore, you feel it is a waste of time to try to get help for this man. You are concerned about yourself and rightly so.

The good Lord will help you. But the good Lord expects you to use common sense. You are worried about how you would manage to pay rent and to support yourself and your children on the little salary that you earn. But which is better, to move out and seek life on your own or to stay with this abusive man?

I would say that it is time for you to seek the advice of a lawyer who would tell you what exactly you should do. Start putting plans in place to leave this man. Your life is in danger. Let me hear from you about your decision and how you are progressing.

Pastor