Didn’t know my wife had a child

Dear Pastor,

I am 50 and my first wife died four years ago. I got into another relationship with a young woman. She was working with my wife and I as a helper. She was a very good worker.

We loved her. She really paid attention to my wife. She wasn't a live-in helper, but when I had to be out of town on business, she stayed with her. After my wife became very ill, this girl became our live-in helper and we gave her more money. She did not have to do much of the hard work again.

Unfortunately, while she was here, I cheated on my wife with her. We became very close. My wife was not aware that I was having sex with her. When my wife passed, this woman did not bother to go back to her house. She became my woman permanently, so I decided to marry her. It was after I got married to her that she told me that she has a daughter. So, I asked her why she did not tell me that before. She told me it wouldn't have made a difference because her daughter is living in America with her father. I was shocked to know that this lady fooled me like that. I cannot get it out of my mind.

I have two sons with two different women. These boys are not close to me. I did not know that I would eventually marry a woman who has a child. I find myself not trusting this woman anymore. What else can she be hiding from me? Recently, she told me that she would love to go to America to visit relatives. I asked her if she is planning to see her daughter and she said yes. I asked her if her daughter lives on her own and she said she lives with her father. I am wondering if she is going to spend time with her daughter in her father's house.

I am not talking sense, I know, but I want to know if I am far off from thinking rationally. So, as a normal man, what do you have to say?

P.L.

Dear P.L.,

I am sorry to know that your first wife passed on. I believe you tried to do your very best for her while she was alive. Unfortunately, she passed and you got involved with the young woman who was your helper and who eventually became your wife's caregiver. I doubt that you thought the relationship would have gone as far as it did. But when your wife died, you did not ask her to leave and the relationship was taken to a higher level.

You said this woman fooled you. I would say that she probably deceived you by not telling you that she has a daughter. Perhaps you think of it as fooling you because she did not tell you that she was a mother. This woman saw you as the man she did not want to lose. She was not going to say anything that would cause you to change your mind from loving her. She went all out to get you, so to speak. As a man, you cannot stand the very thought that she deceived you by not telling you the truth about herself. But, I am asking you to put what this woman has done behind you. It would do you no good to destroy this relationship by raising this matter often. You are already married to her. You don't know of her cheating on you.

Crazy thoughts have been going through your mind about her wanting to go to America to visit relatives and to see her daughter. Allow the woman to go. Visiting her daughter does not mean that she will be going to bed with her daughter's father. I suggest that you tell this woman that you are prepared for both of you to go to a family counsellor to discuss your problems.

Pastor