Non-performing boyfriend doesn’t even trust his brother

Dear Pastor,

I am 26 years old, and I am in love with a man who is also 26. We have been going together for three years. He is my second boyfriend but he is very jealous. He doesn't want to see me talk to any man, not even his own brothers. One of his brothers is a hugger; whenever he sees me, he would hug me. Whenever that happens, as soon as I get home my boyfriend starts a fuss with me. He would said I should push away his brother. I told him that he was right there when his brother hugged me, so why should he be so worried about that. It was not like we kissed. He said he knows his brother and he just want to fool around me.

I have never called any of his brothers and I don't have any sexual feelings for any of them. But my boyfriend believes that to talk to another man is to invite him to go to bed with me. I told him if I wanted to have affairs, I could do it and he would not even know. I have never asked any man for anything since I am with my boyfriend.

He got me pregnant when we just met, but I lost the baby. I got up one day and I was in pain, and by the time he rushed me to the doctor, I was bleeding and the doctor said I lost the baby. He blamed me for not having the child. He said I was not keeping myself quiet. The doctor told him that these things happen from time to time, and so I should not be blamed. If I put on a pair of shorts and I go outside to wash, my boyfriend quarrels because there are some guys in the yard who do mechanic work, and he said they should not see my legs.

My boyfriend makes me feel as if I am in prison. I am not fat, but I am chubby. I love this man but he is hard to get along with. I would like to become pregnant again, but I don't know why it is not happening and we are not using protection.

BIGGING HIMSELF UP

I am earning more money than he is. He is not good at saving. I always encourage him to save, but he buys the things that he does not need. Although he is so jealous, he talks about his old girlfriends all the time, but I am not worried about what he says about them at all. I think he is only 'bigging up' himself because he is not so good in bed either. This man is not even able to give me a hard ride, and maybe that is one reason why he is so jealous. As soon as he enters me, he discharges and his private is very small, but I can put up with that. What I can't stand is his jealousy and his accusation that I might be cheating on him.

I have cut off all my girlfriends because when I talk to them on the phone and he is around, he said these girls will lead me astray.

Pastor, what can I do with this man?

T.

Dear T.,

It might not be a bad idea for you to tell this man that you are fed up of his nagging and his jealousy and you are thinking of moving on. You know you are not doing anything wrong, but this man has you in prison. You are not free to express yourself to anybody at all. You think that it is a matter of just jealousy, but I believe that it is beyond that. This man knows that he is inadequate in certain areas, so he has a genuine fear that you may allow another male in your life and that man may take you away from him, so to speak.

I think you have to forgive your boyfriend, but he should be warned that you can only take so much from him and his nagging is driving you away from him. He has to trust you. Trust is a fundamental factor in a relationship. I am not telling you to leave him but just to tell you don't waste your time with a man who does not trust you.

You are too young to be in a relationship that is not happy.

Pastor