Can’t tell my boyfriend I was nearly raped

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 years old and I have been in love with a man for two years. We mostly correspond by phone because he is not on the island. I got close to another man who was my driving instructor. This man used to make a lot of jokes about how sexy I look. He then started to touch my legs, so I told him that I have my boyfriend and I would prefer not to have anything to do with him, except learning to drive. He said he was only joking.

One day my boyfriend asked me if I am being faithful to him and I told him yes. I made the mistake of telling him about this man who was teaching me to drive. My boyfriend told me to tell him that I would not continue taking lessons from him. When I told the instructor, he was not pleased. He promised that he would not make any joke with me again. That was the end of our relationship. I did not go to do the test. I went with another instructor and I passed my test and got my licence.

My boyfriend is constantly asking me about this man. I have told him that he should not ask me anymore. When he comes to Jamaica and we get married, I can prove to him that I am still a virgin. I have been to the brink of having sex. A group of us went out for a weekend and we all shared a room -- both males and females. I slept in my shorts. In my deep sleep I felt I was being 'fingered' and I woke up; it was one of the guys who got into my shorts and was playing with my private part. I had to shout at him. I woke up my colleagues in the process. They cried shame on him. That is the closest I have ever come to having sex.

I cannot tell my boyfriend about this incident. He would say th at I should not have agreed to sleep in the same room with everybody. I am trying to get my boyfriend to learn to trust me. I trust him, so why can't he trust me? We are hoping to get married in August, when he comes to Jamaica. I have a visa and the plan is that both of us will go to America, because he has one more year at university.

I told my older sister that I mentioned to him what happened between the driving instructor and myself and she said I should not have told him. Can you imagine if I told him about the incident that happened at the guest house? This guy is a very decent and respectful young man. No one expected him to try to rape me. He has apologised to me and I told him that I will never trust him again, or any man for that matter.

I thought it was safe going out in groups, but after this guy attempted to rape me, I know that going out in groups is not safe either. I would like to hear your comments.

T

Dear T.,

Your former driving instructor doesn't have good morals. He liked you and he allowed himself to be out of control. You expected him to teach you to drive and when he felt that you were competent enough to get a licence, he would have taken you to do the test. You were not expecting him to play around with you, especially in a sexual manner.

I am sure that you did not realise that your boyfriend would have reacted so sternly to you. He wanted you to know that you should not have taken the matter lightly.

Concerning the incident at the guest house, I know that many times young people group up and stay together when they go out on certain projects, etc. They stay together to cut the cost of the accommodation. This young man who tried to fool around has no shame. I am glad you shouted out when you realised that he was playing around with you. I am also happy that the other students cried shame on him.

Your sister is probably right, you should not even think of telling your boyfriend about the incident. When he comes to Jamaica and both of you get married, you know that he is going to realise that you have kept yourself pure and that your virginity is intact.

I wish both of you well. Make sure that you do not break the law if you are planning to accompany him to go to America after both of you have got married.

Pastor