I don’t want to nurse my old boyfriend - He is ill, and I don’t want to be around any longer

Dear Pastor,

I am 44 years old and I have two children who live with me. They do not give me any trouble. My daughter is older. She and I are like sisters and we even look alike.

Sometimes when we go out, people don't realise that she is my daughter. My son resembles his father and takes all the bad traits from him. But he loves me and is very protective of me.

Their father left me when the children were very young. He went away promising that, as soon as he got his green card, he would come back and marry me. But that did not work. He got married to an American girl. I was working and I supported my children. Since they are now grown, he is trying to be nice to them but they don't care much about him.

I have been going with a man for the past 10 years. He got married behind my back but we are still together. When I met this man, I did not even know that he was such a liar. I found out long after that he had a babymother. We broke up for about a year but I took him back because my children love him and they call him Daddy. I told him that, if he is going to have me, he has to take on greater responsibilities. So he paid half of my rent and he was paying my light bill. His children's mother knows about me. She called me some years ago and asked me when I am going to leave him. I told her that I don't intend to and she should know why he has chosen to be with me. With this man's help, I was able to pay down on a house, but his name is not on the title.

Pastor, I would like this man to leave. I know that you will say that I am a bad woman and I have got what I wanted out of him. I don't want to be his nurse and, if I allow him to hang around, that is going to happen because, nowadays, he is always going to the doctor. He is on medication. I don't know how to handle this matter. He is 64 years old.

My daughter is working and she helps me. My son is still in school. Sometimes I think that it is time for me to give him up and start going to church. When I said that to him, he said he is not preventing me from going to church.

M.

Dear M.,

This man is going to say that you are ungrateful and that you owe him a lot. There is no question in my mind that had it not been for him, you would not have done so well.

I don't mean to imply that he did not get anything out of you; he did. He wanted more than one woman. His children's mother had the ring and she became wife, but you got lots out of him because he paid half your rent until you were able to purchase a house. It is not going to be easy for this man to walk away from you, because he is thinking of all he has done for you.

The relationship therefore has its benefits. Now you are tired of the life you are living and you want to move on. You may have to try to persuade this man to go. I am assuming that he still gives you money. If you are serious about not wanting him, then you should stop taking money from him. The question is, are you prepared to refuse his money?

I believe that you should discuss this problem with your children. But, regardless of how you look at it and what they say, this man will always say that you are an ungrateful woman. Try and make this separation as painless as possible. Remember where you are coming from and what your children's father did to you and how this man rescued you. I don't mean to say that if you want to leave him you shouldn't. I am only saying that you should remember his past kindness and you should treat him well.

Pastor