Think my lover is too young for me

Dear Pastor,

I wrote to you 10 years ago about my husband. I told you that he was always abusing me. He and I are divorced and he remarried.

I have had three relationships, but I am confused. One of the men only wanted me to mind him. He was always short of money. Even when I didn't want to cook, I did because he was coming to visit me. He never brought anything for me to cook. After my husband and I broke up, I took my mother to live with me. My mother liked this other guy and when I complained, she said that I would never get a man if I find faults in all of them. My sickly mother would sit and clean ackee so that he could have ackee and salt fish with fried dumplings on a Saturday. One day while he was sleeping, I read some of his messages in his phone. One was from a girl who threatened to sue him for child support. I did not know he had a seven-year-old child, because he told me that his two children are grown. I called the girl and told her who I was. I gave her my number and I told her when to call me, so that he could hear everything. The woman called and that man cursed some bad words. I broke up with him. Even my mother encouraged me to leave him.

Another man came into my life. He is a soldier. He said he loves older women because they know how to conduct themselves. He gives me money every month, but I am not comfortable because he is 20 years younger than I am, and he always wants to perform anal sex. I can't say that I don't love him, but he is young enough to be my son. I asked him if he wanted children and he said I can't have any, so he will be satisfied with that. I don't know what to do. Should I continue with him, or keep him until I find another man?

My mother does not seem to like him very much. But when he comes to see me, she talks to him. He calls her 'Mother' and is very respectful to her.

Pastor, I am so confused. I am 41. I don't allow this guy to drive my car because he drives too fast, and I don't want him to use my car to take out women. Please give me your advice.

P.E.

Dear P.E.,

You seem to be very unfortunate when it comes to men. First, your husband abused you and so you divorced him. Then this other guy was not truthful to you.

He gave you the impression that all his children were grown. You should have known that something was wrong when he didn't even help you prepare dinner. Yes, he won your mother's heart, and as a mother, she was concerned that perhaps you were too choosy. She was concerned that you would not get a man if you continued to find faults. But the man was a 'ginal'. I do not encourage women to go into their men's phone, but perhaps you wouldn't have found out that he had another child, and that he was not supporting the child. You were very wise to tell the mother to call your number when you knew that he would be at your house. You have been so unfortunate with men. I wonder if you have ever considered that you are pushing too hard to find one. You have biological needs, but you have to learn to control the urges. If the Good Lord wants you to have a man, he will provide a good man for you.

Concerning this young soldier. You have not done anything to discourage the relationship. In fact, you love him. Your mother is silent about it. He might be speaking the truth when he says that all his girlfriends have been older women. Some young men are like that. They prefer older women and they brag about it. The older women often give them lots of money and support them fully. You have been wise enough not to allow this man to drive your car. But you need to ask yourself these questions: Where is this relationship going? Are you prepared to marry him? He has not proposed, but suppose he does? Will you marry him? I suggest that you ask your mother to tell you what she thinks about the relationship and if she would like this young man to be her son-in-law.

I am not prepared to tell you what to do. Make your own decision. But while you are doing so, remember that some young men eventually leave their older lovers and become involved with younger women who can give them children.

Pastor