Getting divorced for the second time

Dear Pastor,

I am in my early 30s. I have been married twice. My first husband left me for an older woman. I could not believe that he saw something better in her.

It took me a long time to adjust to the fact that he wanted me out of his life. When I asked him why he was leaving me, he said I had changed and he was not attracted to me any more.

This older woman was a friend of his mother. She was her dressmaker and she had a store where she employed a couple of girls. She was never married. As my husband and I talked about this thing, I realised that when he was in high school, this woman used to give his mother money to help support him. I asked my husband whether he would want children, but he said he did not care about that. We went for counselling and he confessed that he always liked older women. His mother encouraged him to leave me. She never liked me although I tried my best to get her to love me.

STOPPED FIGHTING

He stopped coming home after work and he started to sleep with this older woman. I stopped fighting to save my marriage and we got a divorce. Six months later, I developed a relationship with one of my old schoolmates. This guy always loved me. We got married and he left Jamaica soon after. He was not romantic, but he paid all my bills. I have not seen my husband for six months, but I hear from him almost every day. Now, he has told me that he is not returning to Jamaica, therefore, I could look around for a new lover.

Why am I so unfortunate? Since I got married again, I have saved a lot of money. I have been unfaithful to him a few times, but he does not know that. I have not gone with any of his friends. He has never asked me if I have gone to other men. I had asked him if he had gone with other women and he assured me that he had not. We used to have phone sex and it was something I enjoyed. He said that he does not have another woman, but he wants a divorce. I don't know what to do.

Y.E.

Dear Y.E.,

You are indeed very unfortunate. But you have to try and move on. You are still very young and it wouldn't even make sense for you to wonder why you married the first man.

Sometimes a relationship can be better the second time around, but in your case it is not. I have said many times in this column that long-distance relationships can be very difficult.

Some couples have remained faithful while some have not. Some couples have vowed that they would remain true to each other, but they have only done so for a short period.

In the space of a year, you cheated on your husband. You say he does not know about it. But he doesn't want the relationship any more. You are in your early 30s and you should ask yourself why you cheated. Your husband said that he hasn't. He may or may not be speaking the truth. You have to determine what you want out of life. I am just wondering whether someone told your husband that you were seeing other men. This is a small world and people who know you may have said something to your husband.

Your husband has not given you any reason for telling you to move on. But sometimes men and women get tired of each other. I know a woman who went abroad and her husband was left here in Jamaica and he thought that everything was going well until one day someone told him that his wife had published a notice in the newspaper. She had filed for a divorce. He could not believe it. She got her divorce and she has never returned.

Before I go, let me ask you this question: If you and your husband and were doing phone sex every week and that was the way you comforted each other, why did you become involved with other men? I don't expect to get the answer from you, but I am just wondering. I wish you well. Don't rush into another relationship; give yourself time to heal.

Pastor