Love having sex after arguments

Dear Pastor,

I have been married for three years. I am 24, and I am trying to understand my husband. We have one child.

I got pregnant with her so we got married before the pregnancy started to show. My husband can be very romantic, but there is another side of him that I don't like. He gets angry over simple things. Both of us are working and pay the bills. He accuses me of being careless and spending on unnecessary things. We are saving to buy a house. But I told him that we have to have fun. He does not believe that we should go on vacations until after we have paid down on our house. I would like to go and spend a week on the north coast or in a nice resort. My husband considers that a waste of money.

My stepfather offered to pay for a weekend, and my husband told me to tell him to send the money for us to put towards the house. My stepfather was very upset. Then my husband cursed me and told me that I should not have told my stepfather that we don't appreciate his help. I did not say that. I told him that we could take that money and put it towards the purchasing of our house. That led to a big argument and my husband told me some very harsh words that caused me to cry.

A few hours later, my husband decided that he would undress me and have sex. This was not the first time that we strongly disagreed with each other, but his way of making up is to have rough sex. I can't say that I don't enjoy having rough sex after an argument. Even after I slept and woke up, my husband joked and asked when would be our next argument because I was at my best after an argument. Do you think this is normal?

F.L.

Dear F.L.,

When you and your husband are arguing, you probably think of him as the worst man and he thinks of you as a foolish person.

But deep in his mind, when the argument is over, he knows that he said things that he should not have said. He probably called you a fool, but he knows that you are not. So his way of making you feel highly appreciated is to make love to you and to give it his best shot.

I want you to know that there are many couples who behave exactly like this. Your husband could have told you that he was sorry for what he said, but he might have believed that you would not accept his words. So he put his words into action and perhaps did a few things sexually that he had not done before.

Let me tell you something. There are some women who take the initiative to have sex with their husbands. They do not use expletives but when they want to show their men that they want something extra, they tell them that they should 'buss up' their so and so. Their men sometimes find it very difficult to keep up with them. But when it is all over, both of them fall asleep and all the problems seem to disappear for a while.

I am not saying that what your husband does is a good way of solving an argument. But I am not going to condemn it if that is the way that both of you bring calm to an argument. A couple should learn that words have meanings and even if making love may calm the storm, what was said will always be remembered. So a couple might have to seek professional help and try their very best to control what they say. Just making love cannot resolve serious issues that a couple might be having. The issues should not be swept under the carpet.

Pastor