My husband is boring

Dear Pastor,

I am 25 and I have been married for one year. My then fiance did not believe in premarital sex, so we did not sleep together.

We played around, but we did not do the actual thing. After we got married and I showed him what I wanted in marriage, he called me a bad girl. I did not consider myself bad, but I had lovers in the past.

Any time I try to be assertive, my husband says that he does not believe a woman should be the aggressor. I was not trying to be aggressive, but I knew what I wanted. There are times when I take the initiative. I am assertive, but this Christian man of mine behaves as if I am a whore. He actually said it. So I agreed, and said I was only a whore for him. I don't want to have sex one way, but he thinks that Christians should only have sex in certain ways. My husband has an average size penis. I sometimes wonder if he thinks that I will cheat. That thought has not crossed my mind, but he continues to call me names that I do not like. Do you think it is right for a man to call his wife a whore?

When we met, I did not deny that I had had a few boyfriends. But I told him that those things were behind me. Sometimes I have to pull this man's shorts off and tell him I need him. That is one of the reasons why I think he feels that I am behaving like a whore. Is it wrong for a woman to be assertive when she feels that she wants a man? Is being assertive a challenge to my husband? I don't want to discuss these things with anybody in his church, because they will tell him what I said. We do not have children.

I used to enjoy sex before I got married. I thought I would enjoy it more with my husband, but I am disappointed. I am not saying that I am going to cheat, but I see why some women do.

What do you think that I should do with this man? I hear some men say that they 'thief a piece', meaning they have sex with their women while they are asleep. I have tried that when my husband is flat on his back, but his private parts was never strong enough for me to romance him. I am worried. I don't want my marriage to break up over sex, but I am not a happy woman. Please give me your advice.

M.

Dear M.

Evidently, you and your husband did not attend premarital counselling, as assertiveness is discussed in the sessions. Your husband is talking rubbish.

A married woman is not doing anything wrong when she is assertive. In fact, that is something a woman should be. She should not just depend on her husband to take the initiative at all times. After all, she has feelings, too, and she is an equal partner in the relationship.

Your husband should be happy that you are assertive, and he should also encourage it. He said that you are aggressive. I suppose he means that you should be in bed as a log and only move when he touches you. That is absolute nonsense. Now this man calls you a whore. Why? Is it because you enjoy a 'rough ride' and he is not able to keep up? Perhaps you told him too much about your past life. It could be that because he is unable to keep up, he believes that that's how whores operate.

I see trouble in your marriage. You want to remain with your husband. But it is time for you to talk to him straight and let him know that you are very unhappy when it comes to the bedroom business. You should also tell him that both of you should see a family counsellor. I am not encouraging you to leave your husband, but I have seen many marriages destroyed because too many men feel that certain things should not take place in the bedroom. Too many women feel that it is not Christian to do certain positions. I will not go further with this. I wish both of you well. Take my suggestion and see a family counsellor together.

Pastor