My babyfather can’t be trusted

Dear Pastor,

I am in my mid-50s and I have two children. I became pregnant with my first child when I was 30. My husband and I are from two different countries.

When I met him, he told me that he did not believe in marriage. I told him that I did and if he got me pregnant and left me, I would hate him for life. When I was six months' pregnant, he told me I was looking more beautiful and I did not need to worry. He got himself another job because his first job did not pay much. I worked hard.

My sister moved in to help me. My boyfriend fell in love with her and she told me she was leaving because he touched her on her bottom and she did not want to be rude to him, so she left. He did not deny that he loved my sister and he told me that he could be with the both of us. I told him that we would never agree with that. My sister and I get along well. She is now living with her fiance and my child is 18-months-old. I have found myself pregnant again and this man is still not marrying me. I was born in Jamaica, but I did not grow up there.

My parents taught me the Christian way and before I met this man, I used to read my Bible. He told me I should read the Quran as well. So I read both of them. He does not go to church, but I follow the teachings of Christianity. I believe that I should leave this man. I see no future in the relationship. He has started smoking. But he is not disrespectful to me. I cannot trust him around my girlfriends, especially now that I am pregnant again. I try my best to be available to him, but I am very upset with him for trying to go to bed with my sister.

I can afford to take care of my children and live on my own, but he has warned me that he would seek to get the children away from me if I leave him. All my relatives are living here in America and they warned me when I was getting involved with him. He has nothing. We do not save our money together because I do not trust him. What advice can you give to me?

V.

Dear V.,

You kept yourself and did not get pregnant until you were 30. Your desire was to get married, but you have not said whether men proposed to you and why you turned them down.

When you met your children's father, you told him of your desire to get married, but he told you that he was not interested in that. In my counselling experience, I have met women like you. They want to get married, but couldn't find partners. Some have forced the issue and have got married because they were tired of living and going out alone. Some women never get married because they love to boss men around and to give them the impression that they can do without them because they have good jobs, and they are earning enough money to support themselves. Some even call men dogs. So I repeat, you have not said why you are having a difficulty in finding a good man.

You eventually settled with this man and he told you upfront that he didn't believe in marriage. When I read what this man said, I thought that perhaps he was a Rastafarian, but I realised he was not. You are having a second child with him and he is still not marrying you. You said that you are not prepared to continue to live with him. I think you should discuss this matter with a family counsellor. You need not ask this man to accompany you. He wouldn't be interested in going with you. You can also ask some of your trusted relatives to give you some guidance, and the third thing you are to do is to consult a lawyer. You will need the help of a lawyer, especially to protect your children and yourself. Don't be afraid of this man's threats to take the children away from you if you were to leave him.

You have been with this man a long time; be careful what you do. I hope you will never stop attending church. You didn't say what type of work you do, but you are clearly an independent woman. Teach your children the way of the Lord and they will grow up to love you. Let them also have respect for their father. Bye.

Pastor