Boyfriend’s spouse thinks I’m his helper

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old and I have two children, but I left them with my mother and I am now living with friends in Kingston and working. I met a man and I love him.

He asked me if I had children and I told him no. He said that he had a woman, but she is now in one of the islands working. He invited me to come and stay with him. I told him I would think about it. When I went home, I told my friends that I had met this man and that he invited me to live with him. They are encouraging me to accept him. So I called him and told him that he could come for me. He asked me whether I was sure and I told him yes. I did not tell him about my children.

This man is almost three times my age and he lives in a three-bedroom house. He told me that his woman was always telling him to get a helper, so he would pretend that I am the live-in helper and I would occupy one of the rooms. After one week of living together, he called his woman and told her that I was there. She spoke to me and told me that I should take care of him. She said she did not know when she will return, but I should not give him the 'cookie'. I told her that was out of the question. This man and I are lovers.

One of my children became ill, so my mother called me and told me what the situation was and that I should come home. I told this man that I had to leave and he offered to take me home. After he left for work, I took public transportation and went on my own. I did not go back, and this man kept calling me and I kept promising to return.

I told my mother about the man and that I did not tell him that I had children. My mother told me that that was the wrong thing to do, but it is not too late to tell him. So I told him on the phone and he said he suspected that I had at least one child. He said he would not hold that against me. I am so ashamed; I have not gone back to see him. I left a bag of clothes at his house, so I am planning to go back and to ask him to forgive me for lying to him.

C.

Dear C.,

What was the purpose of not telling this man that you are a mother? This man is just as bad as you are, because he is lying to his woman and telling her that you are his helper.

I know men have done this very thing; pretending that the women they have are their helpers when they are their lovers. Regardless of what you tell this man now, he will never trust you again. Never be afraid to tell anybody that you have children. Pick up your stuff from this man's house, and don't operate as his lover or his helper. Look around for a job somewhere else.

Pastor