Tired of men telling me lies

Dear Pastor,

I am 24 and I have a problem. I was introduced to a man by a cousin about five years ago. We became very good friends. He said he was looking for a wife.

He asked me if I had a boyfriend and I told him yes. He wanted to know how the relationship was going and I told him not well. I asked him when I would know where he lives and he said when the time was right. I told my boyfriend that I met somebody who was serious about me and who would marry me. We had a big argument and my boyfriend said I couldn't leave him just like that.

This other man was always travelling. He said he was in business and had a partner. He kept taking me out. I told my cousin that I would like to know where he lived and my cousin told me that he was very secretive. One weekend he took me to a resort area and we had a good time. On our way back to Kingston, he told me that he would try to get me a visa and that I should just make sure that my passport was in order.

My cousin kept telling me that this guy was a good man. I needed a smartphone and the man bought it for me. I told him that I wanted to learn to drive and he paid for lessons. But he still did not take me to his house. One day, we were together and the police stopped him and asked for his documents. That's how I saw his address. I checked out the place with a friend. This man is married and is living with his wife and two children. My friend went to the door and knocked. A woman came out and my friend asked for the man. He came out and she pretended that it was a mistake. But he suspected something and walked out with her and saw me. I waved to him and we left. I couldn't believe that this man had fooled me. He told me he did not want us to break up and he would do anything to keep us together.

I don't want him. He told me I should not have come to where he lives without telling him. By the time I found that out, he had got me pregnant so I had an abortion. My cousin said he was only trying to help me to get money from this man and he did not know that the man was married. This man said he and his wife are divorced but she was visiting Jamaica with the children.

He has caused me to hate men. When I was 18, I was involved with a married man, and after we had sex, he told me about his wife. So I cannot trust men any more. This man is still telling me that he will take me to America and I should forgive him for not telling me the whole truth. I told him no thanks and I don't want to see him again.

D.R.

Dear D.R.,

Your cousin does not care much about you. He knew much more about the man than he told you. On the other hand, you are very naive.

You should not have built a relationship with this man without knowing where he lived. The man was dishonest. If a man has nothing to hide, he must tell a woman the truth.

A woman shouldn't have to force a man to tell her where he lives and whether he is married. Whenever a man hesitates to tell a woman where he lives, she should suspect that he has something to hide.

The problem that women are facing is that some of these guys have good jobs and they are earning lots of money and they can give women what they want. But women need to know that big money comes with a price. Men don't just give their money for free. Only foolish men may do so. This man was able to provide and give you more than what your boyfriend was able to give you. I suppose when he promised to take you to America it excited you. He is a wicked man and he deceived you. I hope that women reading your story will realise that they should always check men out before going into any deep relationships with them because basically, men are liars.

You were let down by two men. Now you are going to always remember that you had an abortion. You cannot change that. But I suggest you make an appointment to see a family counsellor and try to get everything behind you.

Please do not condemn every man. Don't be in a hurry to get into another relationship. Give yourself time to heal. You are young and the mistakes you made will help you to be a better person.

Pastor