Think my husband is cheating with a schoolgirl

Dear Pastor,

I have three boys. I am satisfied with them, but my husband says that we should try for a girl. He said that the boys belong to me, but having a girl, she would be his.

I told him that that is nonsense. The children belong to both of us. Anyway, we get along very well. We don't use any protection when we have sex, but he has not been able to get me pregnant again. As I am getting much older, I am telling him that we should forget the idea of having another child.

A few weeks ago, I found out that my husband is having a relationship with a girl half his age. It is something I saw on his phone. I am not in the habit of looking into his phone, but my phone was not working well so I asked him to allow me to use his to make a few calls. I saw messages from this girl and I wasn't pleased. She asked him why he didn't do 'so and so' for her as he promised, and that he has made her leave her boyfriend for him, so she expects him to step up. I didn't say anything to him.

About a week later, I saw another message from the same girl telling him that she needed a few dollars and she would meet him at a certain place, at a certain time. So I went there and I saw when my husband drove up and a girl came out, and he handed her an envelope. She is a schoolgirl in her uniform. I took a bus home, but later that night, I lied to my husband that I heard that he is having an affair with a schoolgirl and he should stop it. He denied everything. I did not know my husband would cheat on me with a schoolgirl.

Our relationship has been good. We make love at least two times per week, sometimes three, and if my husband wants more sex, he can get it from me. It is bothering me that I have to compete now with a schoolgirl. He told me that I should not listen to people. I have not told him what I saw in his phone because I don't want him to begin to hide it from me. I have the girl's number. I called her and she answered, but I did not say anything. I wanted to tell her to leave my husband alone. She seemed to be 16 or 17.

My husband is very active in our church. I did not expect him to cheat on me, especially with a girl who is so young. I would not want my children to know what their father is doing. So please give me your advice.

N.T.

Dear N.T.,

You did not give your age or your husband's age. However, you said that both of you are happily married and you have three boys. Generally speaking, when a man and his wife have all girls, the man wants to have a boy, because some believe that the girls will get married and their names will change. But if they have a boy, the boy will carry his name; his name will not die, so to speak.

You agreed that your husband and yourself should try for a girl and that is why you stopped using protection, but you have changed your mind. Now you have found out that your husband might be having an affair with a schoolgirl. This girl has written to him and told him to step up to the plate. What does she really mean? Is she saying that she needs more attention from him, or more money? Do you think that your husband is having sex with this girl and hoping that he will impregnate her and she will have a girl baby? Are they just good friends and he gives her money occasionally? Would your husband really try to destroy his marriage by having an affair with this schoolgirl?

You told your husband that you heard that he is having an affair, but you did not hear it from anybody. You went to where they were supposed to meet and you saw your husband handing something to this schoolgirl. I suggest that it is time for you to say more to your husband and try to save him from getting into trouble.

If the young woman is in love with your husband, she is not going to stop communicating with him and she is likely to demand more from him, whether money or time. So try your best to stop him from going further with this relationship.

I further suggest that you suggest to your husband that both of you should go in person to see a family counsellor and to discuss the problem that you are having. He might object but insist upon him that you think the time has come for both of you to seek professional help.

Pastor